I am now moving on, this story was the final thing holding me back. I have now set my story free and can hopefully put the upset and hurt behind me. I understand many who read this story will not believe it and may even ridicule me for it, but it is true and their opinion does not change what happened. I did not go looking for a reason to leave the LDS church; I was looking for the truth to help those I love and found answers I did not think existed. Those answers had not been taught to me as had other church history, they had been conveniently hidden. The LDS church does not deny the issues I found most troubling, they just normally don’t address it. To steal a quote “I don’t have a problem believing something that cannot be proven, what I have is a problem believing something that can be disproven.” However, I honestly believe that had this all been taught to me originally I would still be a content member of the LDS faith.
My family and I now enjoy our Sundays together, instead of filling them with meetings that keep us separate. We enjoy going for walks, hiking, dreaming, having scavenger hunts, playing, and otherwise spending quality time together. We all look forward to Sundays and enjoy them as our “Family Fun Day”. With the hectic weeks our modern lives now lead with school, work, volunteering, more school, and still more work not much time is left to spend together as a family; we now have an entire day set aside for it. This has been a wonderful blessing and our family has benefitted from it greatly.
I no longer feel a burden to “do more, be more, and give more”. Instead I do what I can, be who I am, and give to worthy causes. Davin has taught me to serve without question and to put others above myself and I’m trying to follow his example and support him in his efforts. We do our best to balance what we have so as to keep our priorities in line.
In general life is better than it ever has been. I am happier with who I am and don’t feel like I need to keep up appearances for fear of someone looking down on me any longer. I am not afraid of knowledge or truth and seek it out. I am doing my best to increase my learning and look forward to my chance at returning to school. I am not afraid of trying new things, of speaking my mind, or sharing my ideas.
I love that I can say I don’t know everything and feel that is an admirable quality. I don’t know what the future holds, I don’t know if there is any true religion, and I don’t know if man knows of any absolute truth. I believe my life will speak for itself, that if there is a judgment I will be judged on how I lead my life and how I treat others not on whether I remember a secret handshake. I believe that all religion has truth and good and that it is our responsibility to open our eyes to it. I believe that our family is bound by love and “what is bound on earth is bound in heaven” so we will be ok. I believe that Davin and I have a love that cannot be separated by death and as such will live on through the eternities. I believe that each individual is responsible for their own lives and that how they live that life is what ultimately matters. Most of all I believe we each have a right to believe however and whatever we may and no one should judge or belittle another because of it.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
An explanation...
I need to explain, my parents aren’t bad people, in fact they’re very good people. They reacted in the same way most LDS parents would (and do) react to their children when apostasy, major sins, or same gender attractions are revealed. We were taught in the church that parents are responsible for their child’s actions and my dad fully believes that each of his children’s sins will hang over his head during his judgment. So not only were they reacting to my apostasy, they were also absorbing the information in a self-preservation mode. It was a lot to deal with and in a very sudden manner, their fight or flight response was activated and they chose flight. I understand that had I remained in the church I might have acted similarly in the event one of my children left the church and as such have accepted their actions, although I hope I might have handled it better.
We have exchanged a few emails and had a few conversations about my feelings but for the most part the topic is generally avoided. My dad and I have seemed to salvage a relationship out of the mess that occurred and are getting to the point that we can enjoy a conversation without the feeling of something looming. My mom and I haven’t and our weekly conversations have been eliminated but I hope that someday she’ll accept me and decide to love me despite her opinion of my decision. On the same note I hope that someday I can get over the hurt and anger that her reaction caused and have the courage to try to initiate the healing process again.
For the most part neighbors and friends have been very loving and accepting. We have agreed that anyone who would like to visit may and as such have the occasional home/visiting teachers come by. As long as they respect us and remain civil they will always be welcome. There have also been some very unkind and hurtful comments that I have to laugh at and don’t allow to bother me. Some of my favorites are: I have been told that there’s a dark cloud over my house (despite my beautifully blooming yard), in a surprised voice “Your house has a really good feeling in it”, and the common “Are you doing this to be a supportive spouse?”.
Many “Post-Mormons” are terrified to “come out” and tell their families and friends because of the common reactions of intolerance, blame, and condemnation, instead hiding their opinions and new lives. This option was available to me but I never gave it much consideration, like I said before I am a very honest person (sometimes to a fault) and couldn’t imagine living a lie, plus we had a baby being born so it wasn’t something we could hide for long. Some days, I do wish I could have stomached this option. It would be much easier to have continued on, allowing my family to assume what they will instead of being given the “silent treatment”, potentially being disowned, and having any trust that was once there evaporate in the time it took to hit “send”. My only hope is that someday they’ll overcome their bias and understand that my family and I are still the great people we always have been and that being an active member of the church does not make you better than anyone else.
As I mentioned the “Post-Mormons” are many and thankfully we have been able to meet quite a few families in a very similar situation. My ignorance has been eliminated as I once thought that only people who wanted to sin, couldn’t handle the “lifestyle”, and who weren’t strong and faithful members left the church. Instead I have met people who had incredible faith; a bishops wife, a second counselor, a young wife who volunteered to help with conference transcripts, all local and all who found similar information and had the courage to question their “truth”. Within 1 month this local group grew from 14 adult individuals to over 35, there was no recruitment, no missionaries, no coercion, just people who found the truth and reached out online to those who have gone before. You can meet these people and more at PostMormon.org. In general they are a loving and open group who understand the hurt, anger, and fear that comes with leaving one’s belief system. I have learned much from their examples (good and bad).
Many people who leave the church become Atheist or Agnostic, and a few convert to another religion. I now consider myself Agnostic but with Christian leanings. I don't want to affiliate myself with a religion or define myself by one. I now understand that the Bible wasn’t what I was taught but I still believe it to be mostly inspired writings. I believe that Christ came to Earth and changed it permanently, he taught us to love unconditionally, to forgive all, and to serve those around us. I still cling to those teachings and teach them to my children. Jay and I talk about Christ daily and Ike has begun to participate, I love those teaching moments and opportunities. I do still try to see the good in the church and understand why it is such a major part of so many lives. I believe the prophets and apostles to be mostly good men that are trying their best to lead millions to God. I don’t agree with many of their tactics and find that many of their teachings either contradict what was said before or put an unrealistic burden on the members to do more, be better, and give more. What I’ve learned for myself is that “What’s good about the church isn’t unique, and what’s unique about the church isn’t true”.
One common theme about the “PostMo’s” is an almost unquenchable thirst for knowledge. Most continue to research the church long after they leave, finding problem, after inconsistency, after horrific historical action. I have tried to channel this thirst to more productive measures reading positive books, listening to pod casts, educating myself about other religions, gardening, immersing myself in my projects and learning about better parenting techniques. I have done this in a very conscience effort to avoid being bitter toward the church and feel I have succeeded.
Many people have been offended by this blog and I apologize for any hurt feelings. In one last defense I would like to put you in my shoes for just one minute. Let’s pretend you decided to leave your spouse. This spouse had been extremely unfaithful and has lived a double life unbeknownst to you. One day you came upon a mass amount of evidence, so much that you couldn’t stomach looking through all of it – there was no question that your spouse had been lying to you ever since you first met. You knew in your heart you needed to leave and find the courage do finally so. You tell your family and friends that you are leaving and although some were loving most turned their backs and ignored your need to be validated. Most assumed that you wanted to go sleep around or live a life of sin instead of having the “burden” of a marriage and family to weigh you down. Your spouse told all your family members as much and they didn't think they had a reason not to believe him/her as they have always trusted that person. After a year and a thousand assumptions you wonder why no one has asked your side of the story. Would you not get sick of being called a sinner and want to have your story be heard? Could you be fine with “I found some stuff and my spouse wasn’t who they pretended to be” even though you knew they didn't believe you? I couldn’t.
We have exchanged a few emails and had a few conversations about my feelings but for the most part the topic is generally avoided. My dad and I have seemed to salvage a relationship out of the mess that occurred and are getting to the point that we can enjoy a conversation without the feeling of something looming. My mom and I haven’t and our weekly conversations have been eliminated but I hope that someday she’ll accept me and decide to love me despite her opinion of my decision. On the same note I hope that someday I can get over the hurt and anger that her reaction caused and have the courage to try to initiate the healing process again.
For the most part neighbors and friends have been very loving and accepting. We have agreed that anyone who would like to visit may and as such have the occasional home/visiting teachers come by. As long as they respect us and remain civil they will always be welcome. There have also been some very unkind and hurtful comments that I have to laugh at and don’t allow to bother me. Some of my favorites are: I have been told that there’s a dark cloud over my house (despite my beautifully blooming yard), in a surprised voice “Your house has a really good feeling in it”, and the common “Are you doing this to be a supportive spouse?”.
Many “Post-Mormons” are terrified to “come out” and tell their families and friends because of the common reactions of intolerance, blame, and condemnation, instead hiding their opinions and new lives. This option was available to me but I never gave it much consideration, like I said before I am a very honest person (sometimes to a fault) and couldn’t imagine living a lie, plus we had a baby being born so it wasn’t something we could hide for long. Some days, I do wish I could have stomached this option. It would be much easier to have continued on, allowing my family to assume what they will instead of being given the “silent treatment”, potentially being disowned, and having any trust that was once there evaporate in the time it took to hit “send”. My only hope is that someday they’ll overcome their bias and understand that my family and I are still the great people we always have been and that being an active member of the church does not make you better than anyone else.
As I mentioned the “Post-Mormons” are many and thankfully we have been able to meet quite a few families in a very similar situation. My ignorance has been eliminated as I once thought that only people who wanted to sin, couldn’t handle the “lifestyle”, and who weren’t strong and faithful members left the church. Instead I have met people who had incredible faith; a bishops wife, a second counselor, a young wife who volunteered to help with conference transcripts, all local and all who found similar information and had the courage to question their “truth”. Within 1 month this local group grew from 14 adult individuals to over 35, there was no recruitment, no missionaries, no coercion, just people who found the truth and reached out online to those who have gone before. You can meet these people and more at PostMormon.org. In general they are a loving and open group who understand the hurt, anger, and fear that comes with leaving one’s belief system. I have learned much from their examples (good and bad).
Many people who leave the church become Atheist or Agnostic, and a few convert to another religion. I now consider myself Agnostic but with Christian leanings. I don't want to affiliate myself with a religion or define myself by one. I now understand that the Bible wasn’t what I was taught but I still believe it to be mostly inspired writings. I believe that Christ came to Earth and changed it permanently, he taught us to love unconditionally, to forgive all, and to serve those around us. I still cling to those teachings and teach them to my children. Jay and I talk about Christ daily and Ike has begun to participate, I love those teaching moments and opportunities. I do still try to see the good in the church and understand why it is such a major part of so many lives. I believe the prophets and apostles to be mostly good men that are trying their best to lead millions to God. I don’t agree with many of their tactics and find that many of their teachings either contradict what was said before or put an unrealistic burden on the members to do more, be better, and give more. What I’ve learned for myself is that “What’s good about the church isn’t unique, and what’s unique about the church isn’t true”.
One common theme about the “PostMo’s” is an almost unquenchable thirst for knowledge. Most continue to research the church long after they leave, finding problem, after inconsistency, after horrific historical action. I have tried to channel this thirst to more productive measures reading positive books, listening to pod casts, educating myself about other religions, gardening, immersing myself in my projects and learning about better parenting techniques. I have done this in a very conscience effort to avoid being bitter toward the church and feel I have succeeded.
Many people have been offended by this blog and I apologize for any hurt feelings. In one last defense I would like to put you in my shoes for just one minute. Let’s pretend you decided to leave your spouse. This spouse had been extremely unfaithful and has lived a double life unbeknownst to you. One day you came upon a mass amount of evidence, so much that you couldn’t stomach looking through all of it – there was no question that your spouse had been lying to you ever since you first met. You knew in your heart you needed to leave and find the courage do finally so. You tell your family and friends that you are leaving and although some were loving most turned their backs and ignored your need to be validated. Most assumed that you wanted to go sleep around or live a life of sin instead of having the “burden” of a marriage and family to weigh you down. Your spouse told all your family members as much and they didn't think they had a reason not to believe him/her as they have always trusted that person. After a year and a thousand assumptions you wonder why no one has asked your side of the story. Would you not get sick of being called a sinner and want to have your story be heard? Could you be fine with “I found some stuff and my spouse wasn’t who they pretended to be” even though you knew they didn't believe you? I couldn’t.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Bombs Away...
I internalize everything. I am not someone who “talks out” my issues. I think them over, research, weigh the pros and cons, asses my feelings, and then come to a conclusion. During this process I am very quiet about what is on my mind and don’t reveal my inner workings until I have come to a conclusion. Thankfully Davin is similar and understands my need for space when I’m mulling something over. So while I was researching the church Davin and I wouldn’t talk about the issues until I had come to a conclusion on a subject. I would then bring it up and find out what his opinion was. It was very freeing to be able to open a subject up and explore it together, most of the time I found we had come to the same conclusion (although often we had looked at very different sources).
Neither of our families had any idea that we were leaning away from the church, they were all under the assumption that we were still faithful members. No one in either family knew anything until we told them we were out. I regret this, as it was a huge bomb to drop at their feet and a lot to expect them to ingest in one fell swoop. It was unfair of us not to allude to anything, however, we did not hide our struggle… it just wasn’t approached. As someone who internalizes things it was against my nature to talk to my family until I had already made a decision. I also didn’t want to affect anyone else’s testimony and I knew (first hand) how damaging this information was. I thought I had an unbreakable testimony, that I would be “a tower of strength to those who are weak” (yep, that was in my patriarchal blessing) and couldn’t imagine ever leaving the church. How could a tower of strength show weakness? Only evil people left the church! How could anyone inside the church understand without me damaging their “unbreakable” faith?
Davin felt he needed to tell his mom where he stood with the church before I had made a firm decision and I agreed. She has always been a faithful member in her heart and has tried to pass that faith on to her sons. Although she has never felt at home in a ward setting Cindy has always impressed me with the conviction she holds dear and with her example of Christ like love and service. Davin was very firm in his standing and felt strongly that he needed to be honest with his mom so he sat her down and broke the news. I was taking care of the boys in another room for most all of the discussion but was able to make it in near the end. She had tears in her eyes but more than anything there was love and understanding radiating from her. She asked if my family knew and I explained that I was still on the fence but that they didn’t know anything. We all talked for a few minutes then she gave us each a very warm hug, told us that no matter what she loves us and will always be there for us, encouraged us not to be bitter, and that was that. We never really spoke religion with Davin’s family and still don’t but the air is clear and everyone’s ok.
Around early March of 2010 I had made a decision, I needed to leave the LDS church and I needed to tell my family. I was due in July and wanted the air to clear before my delivery. I decided I did want him to be blessed for traditions sake and was sure my dad would gladly bless our new baby. Most of all I wanted to tell them in person (they live in NM) and they were coming up in April so I had determined to tell them then. My cousin was getting married that weekend but it was a very quick trip and we didn’t see them much so timing was difficult. I didn’t want to tell them before the events and ruin her special day which left the night they slept here on their way home to break the news. We also had some other major family drama happen shortly before they came up so I was struggling with whether to tell them at all, I knew this was going to be huge and really didn’t want to add to their stress. I was so torn but honesty is such an important part of who I am that I knew I needed to tell the truth with our situation.
That night they didn’t arrive until late. They were tired and I still had kids to put to sleep, so Davin and I rushed to get the boys to sleep and hoped we’d be able to catch my parents before they crashed for the night. I had intended to give them each a letter (the same one I sent everyone), let them read it, then come in to talk. My plans were dashed very quickly when I found out mom had taken out her contacts for the night and dad had an eye infection or something that made it hard for him to read at the time. So, with a knot in my stomach with what I feared would result in revealing this to my parents, I sat them down and told them I had something to say. I explained that I wanted to read them a letter then I’d like to talk to them about it. Davin was in the other room while I read the letter, as I wanted to confront them alone. So I began to read:
There is no easy way to start a letter such as the one I am about to attempt so I am not going to do so gently or eloquently. In short, I have decided to leave the church. This has been a very personal decision and one I have not made lightly. I apologize for the horrific timing, the suddenness, and blunt manner of this revelation but out of love and respect for you I don’t feel it’s wise that I keep this from you any longer. Although it may seem sudden to you this has been a very long process filled with study, prayer, and contemplation. However, in the end the result is a loss of my once strong testimony of Joseph Smith and the truthfulness of the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I still have a strong testimony of Jesus Christ, of His life, the atonement, and the resurrection. I whole heartedly believe that families can be together forever if they are bound by love, are faithful, and try their hardest to live as Christ would have them do. I believe in the power of faith, prayer and the miracles that happen when true faith and earnest prayer are offered to a loving Heavenly Father. I believe that we are surrounded by truth and beauty and that we need only to open our eyes, minds, and hearts to it. I believe that all religion has truth and I intend to seek that truth out and teach my family all that I find. I still have a great love for the church and for the amazing people in it. I believe that the Prophet and Apostles are good men who are inspired and who are doing their best to guide the members of the church to eternal glory. I just don’t believe you have to be a member to gain that eternal glory, nor do I believe that all members will gain that despite the callings they may have held.
This decision is not an easy one to make, I have measured the consequences and they have heavily weighed on me but in the end it is more important for me to be true to myself than to have others think highly of me. I believe it is also a very important lesson for me to teach my children as I think that being true to yourself is more important than other people’s perception of you.
I assure you, I have not been offended by anyone in the church, nor have I ever had a better ward & neighborhood. We have been welcomed with open arms and have loved this area since before we moved in. Nor have I decided to leave the church because it requires us to live a higher law, I intend to continue living a higher law – that of my own conscience instead of something that is dictated. I’m sure many people will criticize me saying I am taking the “easy way out”, and I assure you – this is not easy, nor is it a way out.
The hardest question to answer and the one I am sure you are asking is “Why?”. Although I have many answers to that question it is not something I feel I can answer because I don’t want to be responsible for the loss of another’s testimony. It sounds like a “cop out” answer but I mourn the loss of my innocent testimony and don’t want to inflict that on another. In short, there are parts of the church (past and present) that I cannot agree with and refuse to ignore.
I love you and hope you will respect this decision but understand and respect that you might not agree with it. Although, it has been a journey I have travelled alone it is one that Davin has travelled alongside me and we have come out the other side in agreement that this is best for us and our family. I found a quote not long ago that reads: “When you come to the end of everything you know… and the next step is into the darkness of the great unknown… you must believe one of two things. Either you will step out onto firm ground or you will be taught to fly.” The church was everything I’ve ever known, it has made me who I am today; now that I have left that behind and travelled through the darkness of the unknown I have found myself to be on firm ground, where I am more content with who I am, where I am at peace with my life, and where I can see a very bright future ahead of me and my family and hopefully, where I will be taught to fly.
With nothing but love and respect,
Janea
By the second sentence my mom turned off. She began to stare at the wall in front of her and didn’t respond to most anything during what followed. My dad looked shocked and confused but tried to talk to us and find out what brought this on. He wanted to know details and specific issues. He was very calm and tried to have a positive and open conversation about what I had found and where I now stood. At some point Davin came in a quietly sat next to me to offer his presence as some support.
I explained that Joseph Smith was the primary issue for me, especially his polygamous affairs. I did not agree that marrying 14 year olds after sending their only family away and telling them their salvation was at stake was commanded by God. We talked for a while, with dad sharing some of his ideas and admitting that my mom has struggled with the concept of polygamy also.
At one point my mom left with her cell phone, returned after a while and accused one of my old friends of causing my apostasy. I was upset and retaliated by telling her that I thought it was really sad that she hadn’t let an old grudge go. She came back with telling me it was sad that her pregnant daughter was sitting there with her innocent boys in their rooms and I was ruining our future (something to that extent).
I took the opportunity to then ask my dad if he would bless Luke since Davin wouldn't be able to. I also explained that we had talked to Jayden who encouraged and supported our decision to not go to church anymore. After some more conversation with my dad I told them that I’d let them get some sleep and we left.
I got my pajamas on, emailed the same letter to the remainder of my family, then went back to give my parents a hug and tell them that no matter my decision I still love and respect them. Unfortunately the door was shut, the lights were off, and I didn’t have the courage to knock, instead thinking things would be better in the morning.
That opportunity never came; they woke early, packed their bags, and left without saying goodbye. There wasn’t even a note and I was heartbroken.
Neither of our families had any idea that we were leaning away from the church, they were all under the assumption that we were still faithful members. No one in either family knew anything until we told them we were out. I regret this, as it was a huge bomb to drop at their feet and a lot to expect them to ingest in one fell swoop. It was unfair of us not to allude to anything, however, we did not hide our struggle… it just wasn’t approached. As someone who internalizes things it was against my nature to talk to my family until I had already made a decision. I also didn’t want to affect anyone else’s testimony and I knew (first hand) how damaging this information was. I thought I had an unbreakable testimony, that I would be “a tower of strength to those who are weak” (yep, that was in my patriarchal blessing) and couldn’t imagine ever leaving the church. How could a tower of strength show weakness? Only evil people left the church! How could anyone inside the church understand without me damaging their “unbreakable” faith?
Davin felt he needed to tell his mom where he stood with the church before I had made a firm decision and I agreed. She has always been a faithful member in her heart and has tried to pass that faith on to her sons. Although she has never felt at home in a ward setting Cindy has always impressed me with the conviction she holds dear and with her example of Christ like love and service. Davin was very firm in his standing and felt strongly that he needed to be honest with his mom so he sat her down and broke the news. I was taking care of the boys in another room for most all of the discussion but was able to make it in near the end. She had tears in her eyes but more than anything there was love and understanding radiating from her. She asked if my family knew and I explained that I was still on the fence but that they didn’t know anything. We all talked for a few minutes then she gave us each a very warm hug, told us that no matter what she loves us and will always be there for us, encouraged us not to be bitter, and that was that. We never really spoke religion with Davin’s family and still don’t but the air is clear and everyone’s ok.
Around early March of 2010 I had made a decision, I needed to leave the LDS church and I needed to tell my family. I was due in July and wanted the air to clear before my delivery. I decided I did want him to be blessed for traditions sake and was sure my dad would gladly bless our new baby. Most of all I wanted to tell them in person (they live in NM) and they were coming up in April so I had determined to tell them then. My cousin was getting married that weekend but it was a very quick trip and we didn’t see them much so timing was difficult. I didn’t want to tell them before the events and ruin her special day which left the night they slept here on their way home to break the news. We also had some other major family drama happen shortly before they came up so I was struggling with whether to tell them at all, I knew this was going to be huge and really didn’t want to add to their stress. I was so torn but honesty is such an important part of who I am that I knew I needed to tell the truth with our situation.
That night they didn’t arrive until late. They were tired and I still had kids to put to sleep, so Davin and I rushed to get the boys to sleep and hoped we’d be able to catch my parents before they crashed for the night. I had intended to give them each a letter (the same one I sent everyone), let them read it, then come in to talk. My plans were dashed very quickly when I found out mom had taken out her contacts for the night and dad had an eye infection or something that made it hard for him to read at the time. So, with a knot in my stomach with what I feared would result in revealing this to my parents, I sat them down and told them I had something to say. I explained that I wanted to read them a letter then I’d like to talk to them about it. Davin was in the other room while I read the letter, as I wanted to confront them alone. So I began to read:
There is no easy way to start a letter such as the one I am about to attempt so I am not going to do so gently or eloquently. In short, I have decided to leave the church. This has been a very personal decision and one I have not made lightly. I apologize for the horrific timing, the suddenness, and blunt manner of this revelation but out of love and respect for you I don’t feel it’s wise that I keep this from you any longer. Although it may seem sudden to you this has been a very long process filled with study, prayer, and contemplation. However, in the end the result is a loss of my once strong testimony of Joseph Smith and the truthfulness of the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I still have a strong testimony of Jesus Christ, of His life, the atonement, and the resurrection. I whole heartedly believe that families can be together forever if they are bound by love, are faithful, and try their hardest to live as Christ would have them do. I believe in the power of faith, prayer and the miracles that happen when true faith and earnest prayer are offered to a loving Heavenly Father. I believe that we are surrounded by truth and beauty and that we need only to open our eyes, minds, and hearts to it. I believe that all religion has truth and I intend to seek that truth out and teach my family all that I find. I still have a great love for the church and for the amazing people in it. I believe that the Prophet and Apostles are good men who are inspired and who are doing their best to guide the members of the church to eternal glory. I just don’t believe you have to be a member to gain that eternal glory, nor do I believe that all members will gain that despite the callings they may have held.
This decision is not an easy one to make, I have measured the consequences and they have heavily weighed on me but in the end it is more important for me to be true to myself than to have others think highly of me. I believe it is also a very important lesson for me to teach my children as I think that being true to yourself is more important than other people’s perception of you.
I assure you, I have not been offended by anyone in the church, nor have I ever had a better ward & neighborhood. We have been welcomed with open arms and have loved this area since before we moved in. Nor have I decided to leave the church because it requires us to live a higher law, I intend to continue living a higher law – that of my own conscience instead of something that is dictated. I’m sure many people will criticize me saying I am taking the “easy way out”, and I assure you – this is not easy, nor is it a way out.
The hardest question to answer and the one I am sure you are asking is “Why?”. Although I have many answers to that question it is not something I feel I can answer because I don’t want to be responsible for the loss of another’s testimony. It sounds like a “cop out” answer but I mourn the loss of my innocent testimony and don’t want to inflict that on another. In short, there are parts of the church (past and present) that I cannot agree with and refuse to ignore.
I love you and hope you will respect this decision but understand and respect that you might not agree with it. Although, it has been a journey I have travelled alone it is one that Davin has travelled alongside me and we have come out the other side in agreement that this is best for us and our family. I found a quote not long ago that reads: “When you come to the end of everything you know… and the next step is into the darkness of the great unknown… you must believe one of two things. Either you will step out onto firm ground or you will be taught to fly.” The church was everything I’ve ever known, it has made me who I am today; now that I have left that behind and travelled through the darkness of the unknown I have found myself to be on firm ground, where I am more content with who I am, where I am at peace with my life, and where I can see a very bright future ahead of me and my family and hopefully, where I will be taught to fly.
With nothing but love and respect,
Janea
By the second sentence my mom turned off. She began to stare at the wall in front of her and didn’t respond to most anything during what followed. My dad looked shocked and confused but tried to talk to us and find out what brought this on. He wanted to know details and specific issues. He was very calm and tried to have a positive and open conversation about what I had found and where I now stood. At some point Davin came in a quietly sat next to me to offer his presence as some support.
I explained that Joseph Smith was the primary issue for me, especially his polygamous affairs. I did not agree that marrying 14 year olds after sending their only family away and telling them their salvation was at stake was commanded by God. We talked for a while, with dad sharing some of his ideas and admitting that my mom has struggled with the concept of polygamy also.
At one point my mom left with her cell phone, returned after a while and accused one of my old friends of causing my apostasy. I was upset and retaliated by telling her that I thought it was really sad that she hadn’t let an old grudge go. She came back with telling me it was sad that her pregnant daughter was sitting there with her innocent boys in their rooms and I was ruining our future (something to that extent).
I took the opportunity to then ask my dad if he would bless Luke since Davin wouldn't be able to. I also explained that we had talked to Jayden who encouraged and supported our decision to not go to church anymore. After some more conversation with my dad I told them that I’d let them get some sleep and we left.
I got my pajamas on, emailed the same letter to the remainder of my family, then went back to give my parents a hug and tell them that no matter my decision I still love and respect them. Unfortunately the door was shut, the lights were off, and I didn’t have the courage to knock, instead thinking things would be better in the morning.
That opportunity never came; they woke early, packed their bags, and left without saying goodbye. There wasn’t even a note and I was heartbroken.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Intermission...
I am taking a brief intermission in my story to share this but there will be another post coming soon to continue the story. You might notice that “anonymous” had posted a comment on my previous post and deleted it. This person was very bold in their comment, however, after posting and deleting the comment 5 times (yep… 5!) and staying up until all hours of the night they were not bold enough to keep it posted, nor provide their name so I could address them personally. I feel like this comment needs to be addressed since I’m sure many people reading my blog feel very similarly so here is the comment and my reply:
Honestly, it is simply the most generic form of anti-mormon literature available. None of it is valid information, and the power of the Holy Ghost will confirm that, if a sincere prayer is offered. Most of the information sited can easily be discredited, in some cases even by the original author(s). It is apparent that the ideals and values asked to be upheld by Church members were simply too much and you chose to no longer follow it. Your short term peace that has come to you and your family is not a reward based on your choice, but can be compared to a suicidal person which has finally committed to the act, sees a way out, and is once again happy of the prospect of death and ending their grief.
In addition, instead of quietly walking away and accepting responsibility for your choice to turn your back on the Gospel, you are publically denouncing the true Church of Jesus Christ, probably not thinking about potential eternal judgements. Chosing for yourself is one thing, but your children, and publically publishing false works on your blog is another. Keep in mind, that if anyone who may be waivering and falters because of your words or "research" and publically displayed works will envoke a swift and powerful judgement against you. (Anonymous)
Wowser! Thems are fightn’ words! But, in all fairness this is the most generic of True Blue Mormon replies. In fact, two years ago that would have been close to my exact response (minus the suicide thing, seriously, how insensitive!). Ok, mine would have been a little more “loving” but then again this post obliviously upset “Anonymous” who then gave a very typical response. I don’t know if this person was personally offended by my story or if posting facts that the church does not refute (I put the links in the posts for a reason, to allow people to see my references and see that I was not looking at “anti-mormon” literature) or maybe this person is finding themselves where I was with a doubting spouse and a possibly upsetting future. No matter their situation they were upset, so upset the post was put up and deleted 5 times over a 1.5 hour time frame.
First, it is valid information. Please, look at the links I provided – if you don’t trust my research look for yourself at http://maxwellinstitute.byu.edu/ an apologetics site that “defends” most all of the issues I have posted in my blog. Or if you don’t trust the internet read “Rough Stone Rolling” by Richard Bushman (one of the primary editors of the Joseph Smith papers and leading LDS Historian of Joseph Smith) it talks about the multiple versions of the First Vision, his polyandry, his polygamy, translating the BOM with his face in a hat, counterfeiting money, destroying printing presses, etc. Even http://familysearch.org acknowledges Joseph’s many wives and the resulting confusion of parentage for the children of his polyandrous relations.
Second, I did pray. They were some of the most sincere and heartfelt prayers I’ve ever offered. The answer I got was that everything would be ok, the same thing our bishop told us when we talked to him, and what I can now comfortably tell the world. Everything is ok.
Ironically I used to think that people left the church only left for the reason stated “It is apparent that the ideals and values asked to be upheld by Church members were simply too much and you chose to no longer follow it.” I know nothing I say here will make you think otherwise, because I was once just as close minded as “anonymous” but rest assured my family and I have not changed our lifestyle. I still don’t watch rated R movies, we don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs, etc. More importantly we DO spend quality time together, try to help those in need, donate to worthy causes, serve people around us and look for opportunities to volunteer our time and efforts to those who need it. (And we don’t have any addictions to caffeine, cough...cough ;) ).
I refuse to address the suicide comment as I think suicide is tragic and should not be spoken of so lightly.
As for publicly denouncing the “True Church” I am doing no such thing. I am posting my story for those interested to read as most anyone who knows me has assumed what my story is but no one knew the truth. I needed a release, I needed to have a place to put my story so if someone did want to know they could find out. Yes, there are some upsetting things in it and I have made a special effort to warn the reader in advance when there may be controversial issues. I have shared my experience, how I felt, and my resulting decision. What others do with this is up to them as an individual. If they would like to dismiss my story as “anonymous” did they are welcome to. If they are interested in learning more I have provided some links (once again most all are LDS approved sites). If all they gain from my blog posts is a better understanding at what transpired over the last year at the “end of the street” then I have met my goal. Believe it or not I am not trying to affect others’ testimonies; however, I have come to terms that through this I may. But for someone who is going through what I have gone through I also want to let you know there is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and there is a beautiful life waiting.
The fear that is so apparent in this comment is understandable, as I once was full of that same fear. It is terrifying that the simple act of loud laughter could cause a reprimand from God. I couldn’t imagine what would happen if I sincerely questioned “His” belief system. There is a quote that has given me the courage to follow the path I have chosen it reads: “The beginning of wisdom is found in doubting; by doubting we come to the question, and by seeking we may come upon the truth.” (Pierre Abelard) I no longer feel that fear and am comfortable with who I am.
As for the “swift and powerful judgment” I will take what comes, but personally I believe in a loving and fair God. If the apologists at http://maxwellinstitute.byu.edu/ and http://www.fairlds.org/ haven’t met their judgment yet (as their articles have led MANY a questioner to research their own religion more, find the scary facts, then leave the church) I’m sure He will outstretch His loving hand to a girl that needed to release her inner workings and story to the world in hopes that some love and understanding may result instead of the “swift and powerful judgment” given by her peers. I also think that that same loving God might be reserving his judgment for truly bad people – abusers, rapists, murderers, those that commit genocide, and those in power that spread hate and intolerance.
I hope you keep reading “anonymous” and that you will find it in your heart to finish my story… maybe your judgment won’t be so swift to the thousands of people, who like me, found a truth for themselves and decided to live their lives according to their own moral compass. There is a huge community of former Mormons that is growing daily who all need a little compassion and understanding; even a little validation would do wonders. Many of these people are bitter and hurt, they no longer see any good in the church because of the intolerance of the church and it’s members (I still do). Thank you for your comment and the courage it took for you to almost post it, I’m sure it was a very emotional experience for you.
I am not close minded, I am not so arrogant to say I have all the answers, and I am still open to whatever truth I find. Please, feel free to comment, opening a line of dialogue is another purpose of this blog. I encourage anyone to reply whether positive or negative (however I do reserve the right to delete any hateful or unproductive comments on either side). Please feel free to refute any of my conclusions; I encourage anyone to bring up evidence contrary to that which I have found. Thank you to those who have been encouraging and positive, you have bolstered me up when I have needed some extra motivation to continue this process. Most of all thank you for continuing to read and show interest, I have been surprised at the number of people interested in my story. Oh, and “anonymous” I’d be willing to address any of your other concerns either in person, via email, or through this blog. I am genuinely open to any future communication you would like to have.
My story will continue with a new post tomorrow, until then please feel free to share your comments.
Honestly, it is simply the most generic form of anti-mormon literature available. None of it is valid information, and the power of the Holy Ghost will confirm that, if a sincere prayer is offered. Most of the information sited can easily be discredited, in some cases even by the original author(s). It is apparent that the ideals and values asked to be upheld by Church members were simply too much and you chose to no longer follow it. Your short term peace that has come to you and your family is not a reward based on your choice, but can be compared to a suicidal person which has finally committed to the act, sees a way out, and is once again happy of the prospect of death and ending their grief.
In addition, instead of quietly walking away and accepting responsibility for your choice to turn your back on the Gospel, you are publically denouncing the true Church of Jesus Christ, probably not thinking about potential eternal judgements. Chosing for yourself is one thing, but your children, and publically publishing false works on your blog is another. Keep in mind, that if anyone who may be waivering and falters because of your words or "research" and publically displayed works will envoke a swift and powerful judgement against you. (Anonymous)
Wowser! Thems are fightn’ words! But, in all fairness this is the most generic of True Blue Mormon replies. In fact, two years ago that would have been close to my exact response (minus the suicide thing, seriously, how insensitive!). Ok, mine would have been a little more “loving” but then again this post obliviously upset “Anonymous” who then gave a very typical response. I don’t know if this person was personally offended by my story or if posting facts that the church does not refute (I put the links in the posts for a reason, to allow people to see my references and see that I was not looking at “anti-mormon” literature) or maybe this person is finding themselves where I was with a doubting spouse and a possibly upsetting future. No matter their situation they were upset, so upset the post was put up and deleted 5 times over a 1.5 hour time frame.
First, it is valid information. Please, look at the links I provided – if you don’t trust my research look for yourself at http://maxwellinstitute.byu.edu/ an apologetics site that “defends” most all of the issues I have posted in my blog. Or if you don’t trust the internet read “Rough Stone Rolling” by Richard Bushman (one of the primary editors of the Joseph Smith papers and leading LDS Historian of Joseph Smith) it talks about the multiple versions of the First Vision, his polyandry, his polygamy, translating the BOM with his face in a hat, counterfeiting money, destroying printing presses, etc. Even http://familysearch.org acknowledges Joseph’s many wives and the resulting confusion of parentage for the children of his polyandrous relations.
Second, I did pray. They were some of the most sincere and heartfelt prayers I’ve ever offered. The answer I got was that everything would be ok, the same thing our bishop told us when we talked to him, and what I can now comfortably tell the world. Everything is ok.
Ironically I used to think that people left the church only left for the reason stated “It is apparent that the ideals and values asked to be upheld by Church members were simply too much and you chose to no longer follow it.” I know nothing I say here will make you think otherwise, because I was once just as close minded as “anonymous” but rest assured my family and I have not changed our lifestyle. I still don’t watch rated R movies, we don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs, etc. More importantly we DO spend quality time together, try to help those in need, donate to worthy causes, serve people around us and look for opportunities to volunteer our time and efforts to those who need it. (And we don’t have any addictions to caffeine, cough...cough ;) ).
I refuse to address the suicide comment as I think suicide is tragic and should not be spoken of so lightly.
As for publicly denouncing the “True Church” I am doing no such thing. I am posting my story for those interested to read as most anyone who knows me has assumed what my story is but no one knew the truth. I needed a release, I needed to have a place to put my story so if someone did want to know they could find out. Yes, there are some upsetting things in it and I have made a special effort to warn the reader in advance when there may be controversial issues. I have shared my experience, how I felt, and my resulting decision. What others do with this is up to them as an individual. If they would like to dismiss my story as “anonymous” did they are welcome to. If they are interested in learning more I have provided some links (once again most all are LDS approved sites). If all they gain from my blog posts is a better understanding at what transpired over the last year at the “end of the street” then I have met my goal. Believe it or not I am not trying to affect others’ testimonies; however, I have come to terms that through this I may. But for someone who is going through what I have gone through I also want to let you know there is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and there is a beautiful life waiting.
The fear that is so apparent in this comment is understandable, as I once was full of that same fear. It is terrifying that the simple act of loud laughter could cause a reprimand from God. I couldn’t imagine what would happen if I sincerely questioned “His” belief system. There is a quote that has given me the courage to follow the path I have chosen it reads: “The beginning of wisdom is found in doubting; by doubting we come to the question, and by seeking we may come upon the truth.” (Pierre Abelard) I no longer feel that fear and am comfortable with who I am.
As for the “swift and powerful judgment” I will take what comes, but personally I believe in a loving and fair God. If the apologists at http://maxwellinstitute.byu.edu/ and http://www.fairlds.org/ haven’t met their judgment yet (as their articles have led MANY a questioner to research their own religion more, find the scary facts, then leave the church) I’m sure He will outstretch His loving hand to a girl that needed to release her inner workings and story to the world in hopes that some love and understanding may result instead of the “swift and powerful judgment” given by her peers. I also think that that same loving God might be reserving his judgment for truly bad people – abusers, rapists, murderers, those that commit genocide, and those in power that spread hate and intolerance.
I hope you keep reading “anonymous” and that you will find it in your heart to finish my story… maybe your judgment won’t be so swift to the thousands of people, who like me, found a truth for themselves and decided to live their lives according to their own moral compass. There is a huge community of former Mormons that is growing daily who all need a little compassion and understanding; even a little validation would do wonders. Many of these people are bitter and hurt, they no longer see any good in the church because of the intolerance of the church and it’s members (I still do). Thank you for your comment and the courage it took for you to almost post it, I’m sure it was a very emotional experience for you.
I am not close minded, I am not so arrogant to say I have all the answers, and I am still open to whatever truth I find. Please, feel free to comment, opening a line of dialogue is another purpose of this blog. I encourage anyone to reply whether positive or negative (however I do reserve the right to delete any hateful or unproductive comments on either side). Please feel free to refute any of my conclusions; I encourage anyone to bring up evidence contrary to that which I have found. Thank you to those who have been encouraging and positive, you have bolstered me up when I have needed some extra motivation to continue this process. Most of all thank you for continuing to read and show interest, I have been surprised at the number of people interested in my story. Oh, and “anonymous” I’d be willing to address any of your other concerns either in person, via email, or through this blog. I am genuinely open to any future communication you would like to have.
My story will continue with a new post tomorrow, until then please feel free to share your comments.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
The Final Deal Breakers...
I had come to accept that the beginnings of the church were not as taught in Gospel Doctrine, that what I had once “known” was false, and that there were many things that I didn’t know but couldn’t bring myself to research because I was (and am) determined not to be bitter toward the church that helped make me who I am today. I needed to come to terms with the current church to decide whether my continued attendance was wise or if I should spend my time (and my family’s) on a more worthy cause. I didn’t know if I could follow John Dehlin’s advice and be an active member despite this new information. As he argues the church is still good, so even if it may not be true, one can still benefit from active participation.
The problem was I didn’t feel good, I struggled to keep my mouth shut when we were taught that only through Joseph Smith would we be allowed into heaven, when learning of Brigham Young there wasn’t even a brief mention of his plural wives or racist attitudes, or when hearing about how polygamy was necessary because of all the widows (there were more men than women who made it across the plains). I struggled when I would hear the lessons Jay was taught and hated fighting him before church because he didn’t feel comfortable going. I hated that Davin and I were suddenly on the outside looking in and the inside wasn’t as beautiful as we were constantly taught. More than anything I was noticing an overwhelming feeling of peace in our home and family the further we got from the church. We did not experience the wrath of God we were always taught would come to those who strayed, in fact we felt the opposite; our family was happier, our marriage was better, and it felt like a massive weight we didn’t know was there had been lifted. We no longer felt the burden of “Be ye perfect” or “endure to the end” we could suddenly determine our own destiny and no longer had to follow a “cookie cutter” approach to who we were supposed to be. We finally had taken the opportunity to follow our own conscience and to live a higher law of morality – to do something because we feel it is right, not because we have been told it is right.
I was still torn because I had such strong roots in the church and I knew if I decided to leave I would have to be honest with my family. I was pregnant and blessing the baby was becoming an issue, I didn’t want drama during a time that I wanted so badly to enjoy. This was my last pregnancy, my last delivery, my last baby, more than anything I wanted to cherish every second of it. Having the elephant in the room as to why Davin wasn’t blessing him was more than I wanted to deal with so I knew if I was going to leave the church I needed to make my decision quickly. I wanted to give everyone time to deal with the knowledge that Davin and I had decided to “leave the fold” before I had the baby. Hopefully over a few months things would have time to settle before I had him. Most importantly, the emotional rollercoaster that we had been on for over a year would end.
I am also not someone who is deceitful or dishonest and feel that the only way to have good relationships is through open and honest ties. So I knew I would have to tell my family the truth. In doing so, I understood that I would most likely be ostracized and possibly disowned. Not to mention adding to my parents stress with everything that was going on at the time. I needed to make sure that I had made a solid decision, that it was for the right reasons, and be confident enough in that decision to face whatever repercussions that I might face.
I began to catalog what I thought was good about the church. I liked that they encouraged giving and helped many through humanitarian aid. I liked that the church promoted family and encouraged parents to put their family first. I liked the support system found within the church and found comfort that that support was virtually everywhere. Most of all the values and morals the church instills in each member I feel are generally positive and promote wise choices and good living. I needed to know if these major points were the same from the inside as they are so widely publicized on the outside.
First: humanitarian aid. What a beautiful experience it is to feel that you’re helping someone in need. We have been taught that “inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me”. Paying tithing had always been automatic to me, it was never a struggle or a burden, I loved thinking that I was helping those who really needed help. That through the church I was making a difference. I remember hearing conference reports that would mention the hundreds of millions of dollars the church had donated to humanitarian services. So I decided to look into it.
According to the 2009 Welfare Services Fact Sheet released by the church there was $327.6 million in cash donations and $884.6 million in value of material assistance given to humanitarian efforts from 1985-2009 (24 years). In the 2008 Welfare Services Fact Sheet the church donated $282.3 million in cash and $833.6 million in material assistance. When you do the math that means in one year the church donated $45.3 million in cash and $51 million in assistance. Seems pretty impressive, until you look at some of the other projects the church is funding. For example, the Salt Lake City City Creek Center is costing the church $1 million a day and is expected to cost from $4-8 billion. In just a year (assuming they were working 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year) the church would have paid $260 million toward a mall – more than twice that of the total humanitarian aid given (much of which is “material assistance” ie donated clothing from DI, hygiene kits, etc.). Being in the scouting program I knew how tight our ward budget was and I didn’t understand how a ward that brought in so much tithing money couldn’t afford to provide the basic necessities for our 40+ cub scouts. All that money was being sent to church headquarters to go to a mall? Then I learned of the new hotel in Hawaii the church funded (at over $30 million) to replace an older hotel owned by the church. Not because it was ever at capacity, but because they were embarrassed to have general authorities stay there. Christ slept where ever he could find a place to rest, are the General Authorities better than he?
I also learned: that members of the Seventy received a stipend from the church, that the church uses service missionaries (who are paying to serve a mission) to maintain a private hunting reserve for the privileged to pay $1200-$8500 per permit to go shoot God’s creatures for sport, that people were coerced into donating large sums toward “Prop 8”, that there are more homeless gay kids in Utah per capita than anywhere in the US because their LDS families couldn’t bear to have them around, and that the church is laying off masses of people during a recession who then don’t qualify for unemployment then replacing their positions with “callings”. The list just doesn’t end, once again Pandora’s box was opened and there was no ignoring it.
After learning about these things I felt abused. This was a shock and I didn’t want to accept that once again, I had been taught one thing only to have it so completely wrong in reality. Did I really want to know more? (no) Could I feel justified in going to church but not paying tithing? (maybe?) Was this solid enough information to cut my ties to the church forever? (in short yes). However, I am still learning things on a weekly basis that solidify that decision and give me comfort in finding the truth for myself.
Now I needed to tell my family.
The problem was I didn’t feel good, I struggled to keep my mouth shut when we were taught that only through Joseph Smith would we be allowed into heaven, when learning of Brigham Young there wasn’t even a brief mention of his plural wives or racist attitudes, or when hearing about how polygamy was necessary because of all the widows (there were more men than women who made it across the plains). I struggled when I would hear the lessons Jay was taught and hated fighting him before church because he didn’t feel comfortable going. I hated that Davin and I were suddenly on the outside looking in and the inside wasn’t as beautiful as we were constantly taught. More than anything I was noticing an overwhelming feeling of peace in our home and family the further we got from the church. We did not experience the wrath of God we were always taught would come to those who strayed, in fact we felt the opposite; our family was happier, our marriage was better, and it felt like a massive weight we didn’t know was there had been lifted. We no longer felt the burden of “Be ye perfect” or “endure to the end” we could suddenly determine our own destiny and no longer had to follow a “cookie cutter” approach to who we were supposed to be. We finally had taken the opportunity to follow our own conscience and to live a higher law of morality – to do something because we feel it is right, not because we have been told it is right.
I was still torn because I had such strong roots in the church and I knew if I decided to leave I would have to be honest with my family. I was pregnant and blessing the baby was becoming an issue, I didn’t want drama during a time that I wanted so badly to enjoy. This was my last pregnancy, my last delivery, my last baby, more than anything I wanted to cherish every second of it. Having the elephant in the room as to why Davin wasn’t blessing him was more than I wanted to deal with so I knew if I was going to leave the church I needed to make my decision quickly. I wanted to give everyone time to deal with the knowledge that Davin and I had decided to “leave the fold” before I had the baby. Hopefully over a few months things would have time to settle before I had him. Most importantly, the emotional rollercoaster that we had been on for over a year would end.
I am also not someone who is deceitful or dishonest and feel that the only way to have good relationships is through open and honest ties. So I knew I would have to tell my family the truth. In doing so, I understood that I would most likely be ostracized and possibly disowned. Not to mention adding to my parents stress with everything that was going on at the time. I needed to make sure that I had made a solid decision, that it was for the right reasons, and be confident enough in that decision to face whatever repercussions that I might face.
I began to catalog what I thought was good about the church. I liked that they encouraged giving and helped many through humanitarian aid. I liked that the church promoted family and encouraged parents to put their family first. I liked the support system found within the church and found comfort that that support was virtually everywhere. Most of all the values and morals the church instills in each member I feel are generally positive and promote wise choices and good living. I needed to know if these major points were the same from the inside as they are so widely publicized on the outside.
First: humanitarian aid. What a beautiful experience it is to feel that you’re helping someone in need. We have been taught that “inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me”. Paying tithing had always been automatic to me, it was never a struggle or a burden, I loved thinking that I was helping those who really needed help. That through the church I was making a difference. I remember hearing conference reports that would mention the hundreds of millions of dollars the church had donated to humanitarian services. So I decided to look into it.
According to the 2009 Welfare Services Fact Sheet released by the church there was $327.6 million in cash donations and $884.6 million in value of material assistance given to humanitarian efforts from 1985-2009 (24 years). In the 2008 Welfare Services Fact Sheet the church donated $282.3 million in cash and $833.6 million in material assistance. When you do the math that means in one year the church donated $45.3 million in cash and $51 million in assistance. Seems pretty impressive, until you look at some of the other projects the church is funding. For example, the Salt Lake City City Creek Center is costing the church $1 million a day and is expected to cost from $4-8 billion. In just a year (assuming they were working 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year) the church would have paid $260 million toward a mall – more than twice that of the total humanitarian aid given (much of which is “material assistance” ie donated clothing from DI, hygiene kits, etc.). Being in the scouting program I knew how tight our ward budget was and I didn’t understand how a ward that brought in so much tithing money couldn’t afford to provide the basic necessities for our 40+ cub scouts. All that money was being sent to church headquarters to go to a mall? Then I learned of the new hotel in Hawaii the church funded (at over $30 million) to replace an older hotel owned by the church. Not because it was ever at capacity, but because they were embarrassed to have general authorities stay there. Christ slept where ever he could find a place to rest, are the General Authorities better than he?
I also learned: that members of the Seventy received a stipend from the church, that the church uses service missionaries (who are paying to serve a mission) to maintain a private hunting reserve for the privileged to pay $1200-$8500 per permit to go shoot God’s creatures for sport, that people were coerced into donating large sums toward “Prop 8”, that there are more homeless gay kids in Utah per capita than anywhere in the US because their LDS families couldn’t bear to have them around, and that the church is laying off masses of people during a recession who then don’t qualify for unemployment then replacing their positions with “callings”. The list just doesn’t end, once again Pandora’s box was opened and there was no ignoring it.
After learning about these things I felt abused. This was a shock and I didn’t want to accept that once again, I had been taught one thing only to have it so completely wrong in reality. Did I really want to know more? (no) Could I feel justified in going to church but not paying tithing? (maybe?) Was this solid enough information to cut my ties to the church forever? (in short yes). However, I am still learning things on a weekly basis that solidify that decision and give me comfort in finding the truth for myself.
Now I needed to tell my family.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
The turning point...
Things are about to pick up pace, it’s almost gardening season and frankly, if I went into detail about each individual discovery I made about the church it will take the better part of the summer to get through everything. So if you have questions or would like me to expand on any of these please let me know. You can also research any of these things at BYU’s Maxwell Institute (FARMS) or FAIR LDS both of which are dedicated to defending the LDS faith to critics. Once again, these were some major deal breakers for me so be advised before you read on.
First, there have been many professors, scientists, and well educated people who have decided to “prove” that the church was correct through DNA, archaeological evidence, etc. Many of which have found the opposite – there was nothing to link the BOM to history and in trying to seek answers these faithful men and women eventually “studied” their way out of Mormondom. Upon publishing their findings many professors have been fired from BYU and excommunicated. A story I found interesting was that of Simon Southerton a former bishop and microbiologist from Australia. I could really relate with many of his experiences and questions. The biggest difference was he had the science to back him up.
I learned there was DNA evidence that refuted the claim that Native Americans were the descendants of Israelites. That many items in the BOM were not in the America’s (or used) at the time it was supposed to have been written; including horses, elephants, lions, steel, iron, cattle, sheep, silk, wool, … trust me the list is quite extensive! I learned that there is no archeological evidence to support a war of the scale that is described by Moroni. Nor have any breastplates, swords, or other metal objects described in those scenes been unearthed from the time period given. How is it the Romans left so much evidence and yet a civilization as grand as that of the Nephites and Lamanites have none?
With each answer a hundred new questions arose. It was quite literally a Pandora ’s Box. So many things I had never heard of were suddenly brought to my attention. The Salamander letters, the Kinderhook plates, the rise of Brigham Young, Joseph shooting back at the mob at Carthage, Joseph giving the priesthood to black men (starting with Elijah Abel) then the church with holding it later from other black saints, the information just kept flooding in. Then I learned a little more about Joseph Smith that helped solidify the conclusion I was already coming to.
I was always taught that the Book of Mormon was translated by use of the Urim and Thummim while Joseph was looking at the plates. That behind a sheet Oliver Cowdry was acting as a scribe and writing what Joseph dictated. I then read these accounts:
"Smith's wife, Emma Smith Bidamon, was interviewed late in her life by her son Joseph Smith III about her knowledge of the early church. This interview took place in February 1879 in the presence of Lewis C. Bidamon, her husband. At one point Emma stated the following: ‘In writing for your father I frequently wrote day after day, often sitting at the table close by him, he sitting with his face buried in his hat, with the stone in it, and dictating hour after hour with nothing between us... .'" (The Word of God, Dan Vogel)
"I will now give you a description of the manner in which the Book of Mormon was translated. Joseph Smith would put the seer stone into a hat, and put his face in the hat, drawing it closely around his face to exclude the light; and in the darkness the spiritual light would shine. A piece of something resembling parchment would appear, and under it was the interpretation in English. Brother Joseph would read off the English to Oliver Cowdery, who was his principal scribe, and when it was written down and repeated to brother Joseph to see if it was correct, then it would disappear, and another character with the interpretation would appear. Thus the Book of Mormon was translated by the gift and power of God, and not by any power of man." (An Address to All Believers in Christ, David Whitmer)
So much for the Urim and Thummim! After reading some more I learned that the Book of Mormon was translated while Joseph had a stone he found (while digging a well) and his face in a hat. The gold plates were often in another area of the house. What was the point of the plates being given (then taken away) if they weren’t needed in the first place?
I then learned that there were varied accounts of the first vision: Joseph at different ages, some with only one being, some with no beings, some with a wrestle with Satan, some without, and some with the Lord only telling him he’d been forgiven of his sins. I have had a number of spiritual experiences in my life and I can tell you that although I’m sure the little details have “evolved” the big stuff has not. To me seeing God and/or Christ is pretty big stuff, wrestling with Satan – big, being told that you will start a new religion by God – huge! If they really happened how could these revelations have been so confused?
So after much prayer and soul searching I finally came to the conclusion that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was not the one true church I had always been taught it was. I then began to view the current church and the early church in two different lights. I still had a love for the current church and knew it had evolved since the early prophets but could I accept a church that was not true but that I felt was still good? Was there enough good in the current church to overlook the sins of it’s past?
I realized I needed to learn more about the church I had devoted my life to: the current LDS church.
First, there have been many professors, scientists, and well educated people who have decided to “prove” that the church was correct through DNA, archaeological evidence, etc. Many of which have found the opposite – there was nothing to link the BOM to history and in trying to seek answers these faithful men and women eventually “studied” their way out of Mormondom. Upon publishing their findings many professors have been fired from BYU and excommunicated. A story I found interesting was that of Simon Southerton a former bishop and microbiologist from Australia. I could really relate with many of his experiences and questions. The biggest difference was he had the science to back him up.
I learned there was DNA evidence that refuted the claim that Native Americans were the descendants of Israelites. That many items in the BOM were not in the America’s (or used) at the time it was supposed to have been written; including horses, elephants, lions, steel, iron, cattle, sheep, silk, wool, … trust me the list is quite extensive! I learned that there is no archeological evidence to support a war of the scale that is described by Moroni. Nor have any breastplates, swords, or other metal objects described in those scenes been unearthed from the time period given. How is it the Romans left so much evidence and yet a civilization as grand as that of the Nephites and Lamanites have none?
With each answer a hundred new questions arose. It was quite literally a Pandora ’s Box. So many things I had never heard of were suddenly brought to my attention. The Salamander letters, the Kinderhook plates, the rise of Brigham Young, Joseph shooting back at the mob at Carthage, Joseph giving the priesthood to black men (starting with Elijah Abel) then the church with holding it later from other black saints, the information just kept flooding in. Then I learned a little more about Joseph Smith that helped solidify the conclusion I was already coming to.
I was always taught that the Book of Mormon was translated by use of the Urim and Thummim while Joseph was looking at the plates. That behind a sheet Oliver Cowdry was acting as a scribe and writing what Joseph dictated. I then read these accounts:
"Smith's wife, Emma Smith Bidamon, was interviewed late in her life by her son Joseph Smith III about her knowledge of the early church. This interview took place in February 1879 in the presence of Lewis C. Bidamon, her husband. At one point Emma stated the following: ‘In writing for your father I frequently wrote day after day, often sitting at the table close by him, he sitting with his face buried in his hat, with the stone in it, and dictating hour after hour with nothing between us... .'" (The Word of God, Dan Vogel)
"I will now give you a description of the manner in which the Book of Mormon was translated. Joseph Smith would put the seer stone into a hat, and put his face in the hat, drawing it closely around his face to exclude the light; and in the darkness the spiritual light would shine. A piece of something resembling parchment would appear, and under it was the interpretation in English. Brother Joseph would read off the English to Oliver Cowdery, who was his principal scribe, and when it was written down and repeated to brother Joseph to see if it was correct, then it would disappear, and another character with the interpretation would appear. Thus the Book of Mormon was translated by the gift and power of God, and not by any power of man." (An Address to All Believers in Christ, David Whitmer)
So much for the Urim and Thummim! After reading some more I learned that the Book of Mormon was translated while Joseph had a stone he found (while digging a well) and his face in a hat. The gold plates were often in another area of the house. What was the point of the plates being given (then taken away) if they weren’t needed in the first place?
I then learned that there were varied accounts of the first vision: Joseph at different ages, some with only one being, some with no beings, some with a wrestle with Satan, some without, and some with the Lord only telling him he’d been forgiven of his sins. I have had a number of spiritual experiences in my life and I can tell you that although I’m sure the little details have “evolved” the big stuff has not. To me seeing God and/or Christ is pretty big stuff, wrestling with Satan – big, being told that you will start a new religion by God – huge! If they really happened how could these revelations have been so confused?
So after much prayer and soul searching I finally came to the conclusion that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was not the one true church I had always been taught it was. I then began to view the current church and the early church in two different lights. I still had a love for the current church and knew it had evolved since the early prophets but could I accept a church that was not true but that I felt was still good? Was there enough good in the current church to overlook the sins of it’s past?
I realized I needed to learn more about the church I had devoted my life to: the current LDS church.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Opening the box...
Once again I am compelled to warn those faithful members of the church that although this post is badly written (Luke has a bad ear infection as has been waking on the hour, every hour for the last 3 nights so I'm not totally in the game) it does contain some upsetting facts. Things that ate at me until I had to learn about them for myself. Things that ultimately led to my "apostasy".
I kept hearing the term “Mormon Apologists” and decided to figure out who these people were and why people on the outside of the church didn’t seem to respect them. It turns out that there are people whose job it is to apologize for the church. They make excuses for the inconsistencies or problems people find with the church and spend their life doing so. Hugh Nibley is the most renowned of these apologists. Sounds like a good place to start.
First I went back to The Wives of Joseph Smith as it was a well-documented site and although the subject material wasn’t “comfortable” I felt it allowed the story to be told in a fair light. Each wife had her own story, some of which were upsetting but it also included many of the women’s eventual testimonies of the law of polygamy. I decided to take my time and read each of the stories as I would encourage everyone to. Some of the stories were heartbreaking, such as Helen Mar Kimball, Fanny Alger, Lucy Walker, the list continues but one that confused and upset me was that of Zina Huntington Jacobs so I decided to look a little further.
Staying true to my goal I found an article about Zina from FAIRLDS (a well-known apologetics site) and read it. I couldn’t wrap my mind around this. First Zina was approached by Joseph 3 times to marry him while being courted by another man, she prayed, told Joseph no, and eventually married the other man (a good upstanding LDS guy whom she loved and that loved and adored her). After she married Henry, Joseph took it a step further and told her “I have put it off and put it off until an angel with a drawn sword has stood before me and told me if I did not establish that principle [plurality of wives] and live it, I would lose my position and my life and the Church could progress no further." This bothered me as at that time Joseph already had at least 4 other wives so he was already living his Celestial Law. Why would he be required to marry an already married woman? Only eight months after marrying her first husband (and pregnant with his child) she was sealed to Joseph, without Emma or Henry knowing, and told to keep it a secret. I was floored! I was always told that polygamy was necessary because of all the widowed women while crossing the plains. That they needed to be taken care of so the most faithful of the men were asked to take extra wives to help ease their burdens. Most importantly the first wife always had to give consent. This didn’t add up! This didn’t make sense. Then there was more!!! After Joseph’s death Brigham took many of Joseph’s wives for his own… including Zina, who was now very pregnant with her second child (also Henry’s). Henry was there at the temple and watched his wife be sealed to Joseph (with Young as proxy) then married to Brigham. After the marriage Zina was then left to return to Henry. They weren’t allowed to stay together long as Henry was sent on a mission, while extremely ill, and soon after Brigham took Zina and their children as his “property”. Although Henry would never be seen as Zina’s husband after his departure his love still shows in the letters he wrote her. Wow, that poor woman. I can’t imagine how awful that would have been. Then I realized that all of this was found in an article trying to “explain away” the horrific life this woman was forced to live. What else was out there?
At this point I was trying to form my opinion of Joseph. I still believed the Book of Mormon to be true which meant that Joseph had to be called of God, so what happened? After translating the BOM and starting the church did he start to waver? Was he just a man who allowed too much power to go to his head? Were girls really marrying at ages 14-16 or was that another “explanation”? Why did Emma stay with Joseph? Was she a conspirator or did she really believe all that he taught? What kind of man could do this to so many innocent women? Then a quote came to mind "The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray. It is not in the programme. It is not in the mind of God. If I were to attempt that, the Lord would remove me out of my place, and so He will any other man who attempts to lead the children of men astray from the oracles of God and from their duty." (Sixty-first Semiannual General Conference of the Church, Monday, October 6, 1890, John Taylor) So if Joseph wasn't removed either he was a fraud, or marrying young girls and married women was sanctioned by God.
So I decided to look into the Book of Mormon.
I kept hearing the term “Mormon Apologists” and decided to figure out who these people were and why people on the outside of the church didn’t seem to respect them. It turns out that there are people whose job it is to apologize for the church. They make excuses for the inconsistencies or problems people find with the church and spend their life doing so. Hugh Nibley is the most renowned of these apologists. Sounds like a good place to start.
First I went back to The Wives of Joseph Smith as it was a well-documented site and although the subject material wasn’t “comfortable” I felt it allowed the story to be told in a fair light. Each wife had her own story, some of which were upsetting but it also included many of the women’s eventual testimonies of the law of polygamy. I decided to take my time and read each of the stories as I would encourage everyone to. Some of the stories were heartbreaking, such as Helen Mar Kimball, Fanny Alger, Lucy Walker, the list continues but one that confused and upset me was that of Zina Huntington Jacobs so I decided to look a little further.
Staying true to my goal I found an article about Zina from FAIRLDS (a well-known apologetics site) and read it. I couldn’t wrap my mind around this. First Zina was approached by Joseph 3 times to marry him while being courted by another man, she prayed, told Joseph no, and eventually married the other man (a good upstanding LDS guy whom she loved and that loved and adored her). After she married Henry, Joseph took it a step further and told her “I have put it off and put it off until an angel with a drawn sword has stood before me and told me if I did not establish that principle [plurality of wives] and live it, I would lose my position and my life and the Church could progress no further." This bothered me as at that time Joseph already had at least 4 other wives so he was already living his Celestial Law. Why would he be required to marry an already married woman? Only eight months after marrying her first husband (and pregnant with his child) she was sealed to Joseph, without Emma or Henry knowing, and told to keep it a secret. I was floored! I was always told that polygamy was necessary because of all the widowed women while crossing the plains. That they needed to be taken care of so the most faithful of the men were asked to take extra wives to help ease their burdens. Most importantly the first wife always had to give consent. This didn’t add up! This didn’t make sense. Then there was more!!! After Joseph’s death Brigham took many of Joseph’s wives for his own… including Zina, who was now very pregnant with her second child (also Henry’s). Henry was there at the temple and watched his wife be sealed to Joseph (with Young as proxy) then married to Brigham. After the marriage Zina was then left to return to Henry. They weren’t allowed to stay together long as Henry was sent on a mission, while extremely ill, and soon after Brigham took Zina and their children as his “property”. Although Henry would never be seen as Zina’s husband after his departure his love still shows in the letters he wrote her. Wow, that poor woman. I can’t imagine how awful that would have been. Then I realized that all of this was found in an article trying to “explain away” the horrific life this woman was forced to live. What else was out there?
At this point I was trying to form my opinion of Joseph. I still believed the Book of Mormon to be true which meant that Joseph had to be called of God, so what happened? After translating the BOM and starting the church did he start to waver? Was he just a man who allowed too much power to go to his head? Were girls really marrying at ages 14-16 or was that another “explanation”? Why did Emma stay with Joseph? Was she a conspirator or did she really believe all that he taught? What kind of man could do this to so many innocent women? Then a quote came to mind "The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray. It is not in the programme. It is not in the mind of God. If I were to attempt that, the Lord would remove me out of my place, and so He will any other man who attempts to lead the children of men astray from the oracles of God and from their duty." (Sixty-first Semiannual General Conference of the Church, Monday, October 6, 1890, John Taylor) So if Joseph wasn't removed either he was a fraud, or marrying young girls and married women was sanctioned by God.
So I decided to look into the Book of Mormon.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The Beginning of the End...
For those of you who are reading this and are still active members of the LDS church I feel compelled to warn you. I am doing this blog to release my story, as no one has ever asked me and it is time I let it go and move on. To do this I intend to tell my whole story, including what I found that was so damaging to my testimony as to cause me to leave the LDS church. Although there is too much information that I know now to include this post will likely contain the most damaging of the “deal breakers”. I was once proud and thought that nothing could ever convince me to leave the church. Before reading on you need to honestly ask yourself – “If the church wasn’t true would I want to know?” because that is exactly what I learned for myself.
I was terrified; my happy little world was coming to an end. Oh yeah, and I got pregnant so I needed to make some decisions and fast. At this point I still had a strong testimony of the church, the priesthood, and the gospel as I knew it. We were still paying tithing and fast offerings, fulfilling our callings, and attending church, although it was difficult to see how upset Jay was after (he has a severe speech disability that made him very difficult to understand so he often felt ignored and invalidated). He also had a very difficult time with some of the lessons; a particular one was a detailed account of the Crucifixion. Seriously, who teaches 3 year olds that their hero (Christ) had nails driven through his hands and feet and was left hanging on a cross to die? I tried to take everything in stride and we genuinely have an AMAZING ward that tried very hard to make Jay and us feel welcome. This ward has been the best ward we’ve been in since being married, there was never any offense and everyone was very kind and welcoming. I knew I would still be accepted if I stayed and Davin left, I knew that Davin would support me no matter what I chose, but I also knew that there was more to this than I was allowing myself to see.
Early on in my life I had come to a conclusion that Brigham Young did a lot of things that I didn’t agree with and like many Mormons I came to think of him as kind of a blackish spot in Mormon history. He did some amazing things but also did some horrific things (most of which I had apparently been sheltered from). So with this I had already decided that prophets weren’t perfect, that they were men just doing their best. I did still believe that they personally communed with Christ and were the voice of the Lord but that they were still imperfect in an almost perfect sort of way. Somehow Brigham Young just had his own category in my mind as Prophet, Seer, Revelator, and occasional bad guy. So when Davin had some questions after reading the Journal of Discourses I wasn’t too surprised. I just wrote them off as a confirmation as to why the church doesn’t make it as available as many of the other prophets’ writings. Then I learned about the blood atonement:
“You say, "That man ought to die for transgressing the law of God." Let me suppose a case. Suppose you found your brother in bed with your wife, and put a javelin through both of them, you would be justified, and they would atone for their sins, and be received into the kingdom of God. I would at once do so in such a case; and under such circumstances, I have no wife whom I love so well that I would not put a javelin through her heart, and I would do it with clean hands.” (Journal of Discourses Volume 3)
“It is true that the blood of the Son of God was shed for sins through the fall and those committed by men, yet men can commit sins which it can never remit. As it was in ancient days, so it is in our day; and though the principles are taught publicly from this stand, still the people do not understand them; yet the law is precisely the same. There are sins that can be atoned for by an offering upon an altar, as in ancient days; and there are sins that the blood of a lamb, of a calf, or of turtle doves, cannot remit, but they must be atoned for by the blood of the man.” (Journal of Discourses Vol. 4 – you can read it all if you’re interested in BYU’s electronic library)
Wait a minute… did I read that right? Brigham Young taught that the Atonement of Christ wasn’t good enough? That people still needed to do sacrifices, including that of their own blood, for their sins? That’s not what I was taught! I was still able to distance myself and the church I knew from it though because, well, I already had Brigham Young in that “other” category. Then the Mountain Meadows Massacre came up in a conversation with a friend. Once again I tried to sweep it under my mental rug. (Then again how do you sweep a massacre of 120 unarmed people, most of which are women and children then desecrating their grave under the rug?) Eventually there was a pretty big pile of concerns under that rug and the pile was growing at an alarming rate.
One night Davin and I were talking about some of the religious questions he was dealing with. I had forced him to keep most of his concerns to himself and it was doing damage, there was always a white elephant in the room and it was getting huge so we decided to hash it out. He decided to show me a website: The Wives of Joseph Smith it seemed innocent, informative, and well cited so I didn’t see a problem with it. Then he read me a story about Lucy Walker, one of the young wives of Joseph Smith (he had around 44 wives on record, 11 of which were under 20 and a handful of 14 year olds). It killed me that a “prophet” of God could coerce a 16 year old girl into secretly marrying him by holding her family and her salvation over her head after splitting up her family. But I was not to be deterred. I told him that if it bothered him he shouldn’t keep reading these things, after all, the church encourages us to only look at things that are faith promoting for a reason (I now know that reason!). We talked about the BOM, Joseph Smith, the priesthood, the current church, tithing, etc. In short he was done with the church and I was done listening so the conversation ended and I was left with a lot to sort through. Unfortunately, he was left feeling invalidated yet again. (Not exactly my strongest moments as a supportive wife.)
During this time one of our friends who had also been questioning the church for a while started running with Davin. After the run they would hang out and talk about the church, church history, and their current issues with the church or recent discoveries for a while. This was very therapeutic for them since they didn’t really have others to validate them (it’s not like their wives were really listening!). I would often listen and try to be involved in the conversations but found myself uneducated and badly informed. I knew Davin to be a smart guy, he’s not the type to jump to conclusions, he does very thorough research, and he wouldn’t put our marriage at risk over bad information. Our friend was very much the same type; the only difference is he was once the epitome of a devout Mormon, Peter Priesthood himself. So I decided it was time I found these answers for myself. The caveat to this was I had determined to only use sources I felt the church would approve of and no matter what I found I would not be bitter.
I was terrified; my happy little world was coming to an end. Oh yeah, and I got pregnant so I needed to make some decisions and fast. At this point I still had a strong testimony of the church, the priesthood, and the gospel as I knew it. We were still paying tithing and fast offerings, fulfilling our callings, and attending church, although it was difficult to see how upset Jay was after (he has a severe speech disability that made him very difficult to understand so he often felt ignored and invalidated). He also had a very difficult time with some of the lessons; a particular one was a detailed account of the Crucifixion. Seriously, who teaches 3 year olds that their hero (Christ) had nails driven through his hands and feet and was left hanging on a cross to die? I tried to take everything in stride and we genuinely have an AMAZING ward that tried very hard to make Jay and us feel welcome. This ward has been the best ward we’ve been in since being married, there was never any offense and everyone was very kind and welcoming. I knew I would still be accepted if I stayed and Davin left, I knew that Davin would support me no matter what I chose, but I also knew that there was more to this than I was allowing myself to see.
Early on in my life I had come to a conclusion that Brigham Young did a lot of things that I didn’t agree with and like many Mormons I came to think of him as kind of a blackish spot in Mormon history. He did some amazing things but also did some horrific things (most of which I had apparently been sheltered from). So with this I had already decided that prophets weren’t perfect, that they were men just doing their best. I did still believe that they personally communed with Christ and were the voice of the Lord but that they were still imperfect in an almost perfect sort of way. Somehow Brigham Young just had his own category in my mind as Prophet, Seer, Revelator, and occasional bad guy. So when Davin had some questions after reading the Journal of Discourses I wasn’t too surprised. I just wrote them off as a confirmation as to why the church doesn’t make it as available as many of the other prophets’ writings. Then I learned about the blood atonement:
“You say, "That man ought to die for transgressing the law of God." Let me suppose a case. Suppose you found your brother in bed with your wife, and put a javelin through both of them, you would be justified, and they would atone for their sins, and be received into the kingdom of God. I would at once do so in such a case; and under such circumstances, I have no wife whom I love so well that I would not put a javelin through her heart, and I would do it with clean hands.” (Journal of Discourses Volume 3)
“It is true that the blood of the Son of God was shed for sins through the fall and those committed by men, yet men can commit sins which it can never remit. As it was in ancient days, so it is in our day; and though the principles are taught publicly from this stand, still the people do not understand them; yet the law is precisely the same. There are sins that can be atoned for by an offering upon an altar, as in ancient days; and there are sins that the blood of a lamb, of a calf, or of turtle doves, cannot remit, but they must be atoned for by the blood of the man.” (Journal of Discourses Vol. 4 – you can read it all if you’re interested in BYU’s electronic library)
Wait a minute… did I read that right? Brigham Young taught that the Atonement of Christ wasn’t good enough? That people still needed to do sacrifices, including that of their own blood, for their sins? That’s not what I was taught! I was still able to distance myself and the church I knew from it though because, well, I already had Brigham Young in that “other” category. Then the Mountain Meadows Massacre came up in a conversation with a friend. Once again I tried to sweep it under my mental rug. (Then again how do you sweep a massacre of 120 unarmed people, most of which are women and children then desecrating their grave under the rug?) Eventually there was a pretty big pile of concerns under that rug and the pile was growing at an alarming rate.
One night Davin and I were talking about some of the religious questions he was dealing with. I had forced him to keep most of his concerns to himself and it was doing damage, there was always a white elephant in the room and it was getting huge so we decided to hash it out. He decided to show me a website: The Wives of Joseph Smith it seemed innocent, informative, and well cited so I didn’t see a problem with it. Then he read me a story about Lucy Walker, one of the young wives of Joseph Smith (he had around 44 wives on record, 11 of which were under 20 and a handful of 14 year olds). It killed me that a “prophet” of God could coerce a 16 year old girl into secretly marrying him by holding her family and her salvation over her head after splitting up her family. But I was not to be deterred. I told him that if it bothered him he shouldn’t keep reading these things, after all, the church encourages us to only look at things that are faith promoting for a reason (I now know that reason!). We talked about the BOM, Joseph Smith, the priesthood, the current church, tithing, etc. In short he was done with the church and I was done listening so the conversation ended and I was left with a lot to sort through. Unfortunately, he was left feeling invalidated yet again. (Not exactly my strongest moments as a supportive wife.)
During this time one of our friends who had also been questioning the church for a while started running with Davin. After the run they would hang out and talk about the church, church history, and their current issues with the church or recent discoveries for a while. This was very therapeutic for them since they didn’t really have others to validate them (it’s not like their wives were really listening!). I would often listen and try to be involved in the conversations but found myself uneducated and badly informed. I knew Davin to be a smart guy, he’s not the type to jump to conclusions, he does very thorough research, and he wouldn’t put our marriage at risk over bad information. Our friend was very much the same type; the only difference is he was once the epitome of a devout Mormon, Peter Priesthood himself. So I decided it was time I found these answers for myself. The caveat to this was I had determined to only use sources I felt the church would approve of and no matter what I found I would not be bitter.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Lets take a step back...
Ok, so there are a few things that I need to clarify. First, I have always loved Davin for who he is. I love him for his character, his strength, his willpower, and his courage. Davin has never tried to fit a mold that others created for him. He has always been an individual. I learned this early on while trying to choose paint colors for our house weeks into our marriage. I wanted to paint two rooms with an adjoining wall blue and yellow… he thought it would look like a nursery and “vetoed” my plans. I was in shock! In my world men weren’t supposed to have decorating opinions and were supposed to say “Yes dear, whatever you think.” I genuinely thought our marriage was headed for disaster, thankfully we made it through and I pulled my head out. This silly event (to this day one of our biggest fights) taught me that Davin wasn’t going to be a pushover, that he wasn’t afraid to point out what he thought was wrong or stupid, and that he wasn’t afraid to challenge tradition. Funny I got all that out of paint but it was a learning experience I’ll never forget. …Turns out he just thought he needed to stand his ground on something early so as to set the tone for our marriage as one of equality. He now lets me paint the walls whatever color I choose and I still give him the opportunity to veto my ideas.
Davin and I have a very open relationship and have always had great communication starting well before we were engaged. We could talk about virtually every subject except religion. We were raised very differently; I was raised in a very strict LDS home, attended seminary, encouraged to have “good LDS” friends, went to church every week, rigidly obeyed the Sabbath, etc. Davin was raised in a different environment with a good Mom that made a deal with her sons that if they’d go to church with her they could get ice cream after, who taught her boys to do what is right because it’s right, that family is first no matter what, and a dad who told Davin he would rather Davin die than serve a mission. So we obliviously had different expectations. Some of mine were very rigid and frankly set Davin up for failure; when it came to religion there was no way he could have completely made me happy. So, religion was always kind of a taboo subject in our marriage. We would sometimes breach it but often ended up feeling frustrated and misunderstood. In general we tried to do what we thought was right and did our best to find that middle ground. We did read the BOM together, did FHE, and occasionally attended the temple. But there was always that “eggshell” feeling and underlying disappointment.
One Sunday two years ago we were substituting a CTR 6 class and teaching them about Joseph Smith translating the bible and other scripture. Davin and I always had a deal, if he would help me sub I’d prepare the lesson and he’d read one of the stories and run interference with the 11+ kids in the class. First we taught about Joseph translating the bible, which was old news even to the 6 year olds. Then the Book of Abraham comes in and the manual tells this story:
“In the late 1820s an Italian explorer named Antonio Lebolo obtained eleven mummies from an ancient tomb in Egypt. When Lebolo died the mummies were shipped to the United States. A man named Michael Chandler came into possession of the mummies in 1833. He opened the coffins (the boxes the mummies were in) and was disappointed not to find jewels or valuable treasures. Attached to some of the bodies of the mummies were linen cloths containing rolls of papyrus, a type of paper made from plants. These papyrus rolls had Egyptian writing on them. Mr. Chandler took the rolls to Pennsylvania, where he tried to find some educated men to tell him about the writings, but even the most educated of these men were only able to understand a little of the writings.
Mr. Chandler decided to travel around the country showing people the mummies, and in the summer of 1835 he came to Kirtland, Ohio. There he met with Joseph Smith, who told him that the writings could be interpreted. Later some friends of the Prophet bought four mummies and the rolls of papyrus from Mr. Chandler. Joseph Smith studied the letters and grammar of the Egyptian language, and then, with the help of the Holy Ghost, he translated the writings on the papyrus rolls. The writings Joseph Smith translated tell about the ancient prophet Abraham and are now published as the book of Abraham in the Pearl of Great Price.” (Quoted from Primary 5 manual)
After reading this story Davin looked at me questioningly and mouthed “really?” I shook my head yes and continued teaching. This single lesson opened a Pandora’s Box.
Once we got home Davin couldn’t stop thinking about it “Why haven’t I heard this before? How could I know so little about my own religion? What else don’t I know that I should?” So, Davin did what comes natural to him – he did some research.
At the same time I had a friend confide in me that her mom had been having some struggles. That she had recently heard Joseph Smith was a polygamist and that there were a lot of other things that he did that she was struggling with. Then another one of our friends decided to share that he had been struggling with the church, that he found out some unsavory things about his dad (who held a distinctive position in the church) and wasn’t punished at all for some transgressions that would have had a “traditional” member disfellowshipped or excommunicated. It seemed like everywhere we turned there was something else.
My mind was reeling with all this new information, it seemed like daily there was some new dirt on the church from a new source and I wasn’t ready to face it. But, I decided to talk to Davin (who was still doing research with some alarming results). We sat down and I told him that if the church wasn’t true, fine, let’s find out together. He looked surprised; it had never occurred to him that it might not be true! We had always been taught that the gospel is perfect but that because it is run by man it is made imperfect. Could it possibly be that the problem could reside in the gospel itself? Crap, there I go opening another door! So we started reading “No Man Knows My History” by Fawn Brodie (a biography on Joseph Smith). I didn’t like how it sounded and was feeling overwhelmed by it all so I stopped and told Davin I didn’t want him to read it either. He consented but continued to research in his spare time. I decided to just ignore it and told Davin if he had questions to please talk to me about them but to please avoid any anti Mormon sites, to read his scriptures more, and to pray more. That is what the church teaches, so it must work. I didn’t even consider that those generic answers were designed to keep people from finding answers to questions that thousands have asked before.
At this time we were hoping to get pregnant. I was wondering if our marriage would last and couldn’t help but wonder if getting pregnant in such a turbulent time for us was a good idea. What if Davin couldn’t bless the baby? What if I needed a priesthood blessing and he couldn’t deliver? What if this ultimately drove us apart – could I really support three kids? How would we raise our children in a faithless home? I knew that religion and money were the two major factors that cause divorce and I was terrified.
Dun, dun, dun.....
Davin and I have a very open relationship and have always had great communication starting well before we were engaged. We could talk about virtually every subject except religion. We were raised very differently; I was raised in a very strict LDS home, attended seminary, encouraged to have “good LDS” friends, went to church every week, rigidly obeyed the Sabbath, etc. Davin was raised in a different environment with a good Mom that made a deal with her sons that if they’d go to church with her they could get ice cream after, who taught her boys to do what is right because it’s right, that family is first no matter what, and a dad who told Davin he would rather Davin die than serve a mission. So we obliviously had different expectations. Some of mine were very rigid and frankly set Davin up for failure; when it came to religion there was no way he could have completely made me happy. So, religion was always kind of a taboo subject in our marriage. We would sometimes breach it but often ended up feeling frustrated and misunderstood. In general we tried to do what we thought was right and did our best to find that middle ground. We did read the BOM together, did FHE, and occasionally attended the temple. But there was always that “eggshell” feeling and underlying disappointment.
One Sunday two years ago we were substituting a CTR 6 class and teaching them about Joseph Smith translating the bible and other scripture. Davin and I always had a deal, if he would help me sub I’d prepare the lesson and he’d read one of the stories and run interference with the 11+ kids in the class. First we taught about Joseph translating the bible, which was old news even to the 6 year olds. Then the Book of Abraham comes in and the manual tells this story:
“In the late 1820s an Italian explorer named Antonio Lebolo obtained eleven mummies from an ancient tomb in Egypt. When Lebolo died the mummies were shipped to the United States. A man named Michael Chandler came into possession of the mummies in 1833. He opened the coffins (the boxes the mummies were in) and was disappointed not to find jewels or valuable treasures. Attached to some of the bodies of the mummies were linen cloths containing rolls of papyrus, a type of paper made from plants. These papyrus rolls had Egyptian writing on them. Mr. Chandler took the rolls to Pennsylvania, where he tried to find some educated men to tell him about the writings, but even the most educated of these men were only able to understand a little of the writings.
Mr. Chandler decided to travel around the country showing people the mummies, and in the summer of 1835 he came to Kirtland, Ohio. There he met with Joseph Smith, who told him that the writings could be interpreted. Later some friends of the Prophet bought four mummies and the rolls of papyrus from Mr. Chandler. Joseph Smith studied the letters and grammar of the Egyptian language, and then, with the help of the Holy Ghost, he translated the writings on the papyrus rolls. The writings Joseph Smith translated tell about the ancient prophet Abraham and are now published as the book of Abraham in the Pearl of Great Price.” (Quoted from Primary 5 manual)
After reading this story Davin looked at me questioningly and mouthed “really?” I shook my head yes and continued teaching. This single lesson opened a Pandora’s Box.
Once we got home Davin couldn’t stop thinking about it “Why haven’t I heard this before? How could I know so little about my own religion? What else don’t I know that I should?” So, Davin did what comes natural to him – he did some research.
At the same time I had a friend confide in me that her mom had been having some struggles. That she had recently heard Joseph Smith was a polygamist and that there were a lot of other things that he did that she was struggling with. Then another one of our friends decided to share that he had been struggling with the church, that he found out some unsavory things about his dad (who held a distinctive position in the church) and wasn’t punished at all for some transgressions that would have had a “traditional” member disfellowshipped or excommunicated. It seemed like everywhere we turned there was something else.
My mind was reeling with all this new information, it seemed like daily there was some new dirt on the church from a new source and I wasn’t ready to face it. But, I decided to talk to Davin (who was still doing research with some alarming results). We sat down and I told him that if the church wasn’t true, fine, let’s find out together. He looked surprised; it had never occurred to him that it might not be true! We had always been taught that the gospel is perfect but that because it is run by man it is made imperfect. Could it possibly be that the problem could reside in the gospel itself? Crap, there I go opening another door! So we started reading “No Man Knows My History” by Fawn Brodie (a biography on Joseph Smith). I didn’t like how it sounded and was feeling overwhelmed by it all so I stopped and told Davin I didn’t want him to read it either. He consented but continued to research in his spare time. I decided to just ignore it and told Davin if he had questions to please talk to me about them but to please avoid any anti Mormon sites, to read his scriptures more, and to pray more. That is what the church teaches, so it must work. I didn’t even consider that those generic answers were designed to keep people from finding answers to questions that thousands have asked before.
At this time we were hoping to get pregnant. I was wondering if our marriage would last and couldn’t help but wonder if getting pregnant in such a turbulent time for us was a good idea. What if Davin couldn’t bless the baby? What if I needed a priesthood blessing and he couldn’t deliver? What if this ultimately drove us apart – could I really support three kids? How would we raise our children in a faithless home? I knew that religion and money were the two major factors that cause divorce and I was terrified.
Dun, dun, dun.....
Friday, March 4, 2011
My Story...
Most stories begin with Once upon a time… as does mine. For once upon a time I was a young impressionable girl. I tried my best to be what everyone thought I should be: beautiful, thin, talented, obedient, faithful, patient, and happy. For the most part I succeeded and was happy in doing so. I did not see any wrong in things that were happening around me or in things I was taught. It was just the way things were and I was taught not to question. I was raised in the LDS church, dreamed of someday serving a mission, and wholeheartedly accepted all I was taught. I was given many opportunities to excel: when I asked I was given my own gardens to plant and care for, shown how to sew and then allowed to make my own patterns (and mistakes), helped my dad with his projects, given cameras to develop my passion for photography, allowed to have a few pets and eventually even allowed to buy a dog and bring animals home from the pet store I worked at for so long (as long as they were returned:) ). My childhood was generally happy and although not perfect I was glad to have a good family to share it with.
As I entered adulthood I moved to Provo, UT to go to college. Although my intentions were good I didn’t do much “college” but loved the freedoms I was suddenly allowed. I was enrolled in UVSC and had an apartment with 5 other girls, some enrolled in BYU. We had a lot of fun and I gained some close friends while there. This is where I started to see some things that I didn’t agree with. I didn’t like how controlling BYU was, I felt their restrictions didn’t allow “adults” to act as such and I hated that they enforced such stringent rules. I also dated a handful of returned missionaries and some who chose not to serve missions and found I was generally treated with more respect by the guys who didn’t go on missions. I learned that things I was taught to be true weren’t taught to others and often stories didn’t “mesh”. However, as a stalwart young woman I didn’t focus much attention to these things and filed them away in the back of my mind as I was taught to. I remembered the many lessons from church, seminary, and home that taught me to only look to things that were faith promoting and that we’ll find out the rest “in due course”. So I didn’t question, I just kept trying to hold to the iron rod.
My courtship with Davin is another tale; however, it is vital to my story. He and I met when I was 14, I dated some of his friends and ended up engaged to one (thankfully me slapping him was all it took for him to call that off!). Davin and I kissed the first time as juniors, which ended badly with hurt feelings and an embargo on our friendship for two years. Thankfully there is a fine line between love and hate and eventually we found our way back to each other (thanks babe for being persistent!). I struggled with my feelings for Davin because I had always planned to go on a mission and I knew he wasn’t the “Peter Priesthood” type that I was looking for. However, I couldn’t deny my feelings for him, I loved him with all my heart and soul and I knew it was the real love that lasts beyond a lifetime. He knew I expected to marry in the LDS temple and although it broke his heart that his mom couldn’t be there he agreed. We were married in the bountiful temple, with my family inside and his waiting outside (something we both regret to this day). The wedding was awkward at best; he seeing me in my dress for the first time with all the extra garb was heartbreaking. No one warned me and I was taken aback. This was not how I had dreamt my wedding would be! No isle, no “I dos”, no Maid of Honor, no flower girl, not even a decent entrance! But there was one thing, Davin, staring at me with all the love he had, barely blinking, and the thought that if I could be with him forever it would all be worth it. The reception was a nightmare and in general I have never been so disappointed with people I should have been able to depend on. It was all worth it, though, as I got to marry the man of my dreams and slept in his arms that night filled with all the love we shared and our bright future ahead.
Two houses and two children later we started on a journey very different than I would have ever imagined… the journey that led us out of the church.
To be continued…
As I entered adulthood I moved to Provo, UT to go to college. Although my intentions were good I didn’t do much “college” but loved the freedoms I was suddenly allowed. I was enrolled in UVSC and had an apartment with 5 other girls, some enrolled in BYU. We had a lot of fun and I gained some close friends while there. This is where I started to see some things that I didn’t agree with. I didn’t like how controlling BYU was, I felt their restrictions didn’t allow “adults” to act as such and I hated that they enforced such stringent rules. I also dated a handful of returned missionaries and some who chose not to serve missions and found I was generally treated with more respect by the guys who didn’t go on missions. I learned that things I was taught to be true weren’t taught to others and often stories didn’t “mesh”. However, as a stalwart young woman I didn’t focus much attention to these things and filed them away in the back of my mind as I was taught to. I remembered the many lessons from church, seminary, and home that taught me to only look to things that were faith promoting and that we’ll find out the rest “in due course”. So I didn’t question, I just kept trying to hold to the iron rod.
My courtship with Davin is another tale; however, it is vital to my story. He and I met when I was 14, I dated some of his friends and ended up engaged to one (thankfully me slapping him was all it took for him to call that off!). Davin and I kissed the first time as juniors, which ended badly with hurt feelings and an embargo on our friendship for two years. Thankfully there is a fine line between love and hate and eventually we found our way back to each other (thanks babe for being persistent!). I struggled with my feelings for Davin because I had always planned to go on a mission and I knew he wasn’t the “Peter Priesthood” type that I was looking for. However, I couldn’t deny my feelings for him, I loved him with all my heart and soul and I knew it was the real love that lasts beyond a lifetime. He knew I expected to marry in the LDS temple and although it broke his heart that his mom couldn’t be there he agreed. We were married in the bountiful temple, with my family inside and his waiting outside (something we both regret to this day). The wedding was awkward at best; he seeing me in my dress for the first time with all the extra garb was heartbreaking. No one warned me and I was taken aback. This was not how I had dreamt my wedding would be! No isle, no “I dos”, no Maid of Honor, no flower girl, not even a decent entrance! But there was one thing, Davin, staring at me with all the love he had, barely blinking, and the thought that if I could be with him forever it would all be worth it. The reception was a nightmare and in general I have never been so disappointed with people I should have been able to depend on. It was all worth it, though, as I got to marry the man of my dreams and slept in his arms that night filled with all the love we shared and our bright future ahead.
Two houses and two children later we started on a journey very different than I would have ever imagined… the journey that led us out of the church.
To be continued…
Thursday, March 3, 2011
In the Beginning...
...there was an idea and that idea sprouted wings! While mentally going over my many projects and other stressors I decided I needed an outlet. A place to brag my sucesses, and complain about my failures, a place to vent my frustrations, to share things I have learned, to teach, to help, to release... so naturally a blog came to mind! This way people can choose to read what I have to say instead of having it sprung upon them and I can have a release without feeling guilty about venting to someone who didn't want to hear it.
The name came immediately as soon as a blog was an option - The Other Side of the Fence. Perfect! It encomapasses all that I hope to write about: Gardening, Woodworking, My many Projects, and ironically my current standing with the LDS church. Yes, I am on the other side of the fence and I've got to tell you the flowers are blooming, the grass is green, and life is good!
So with that short intro I'll bid you adieu... until I have time to put up a real post.
The name came immediately as soon as a blog was an option - The Other Side of the Fence. Perfect! It encomapasses all that I hope to write about: Gardening, Woodworking, My many Projects, and ironically my current standing with the LDS church. Yes, I am on the other side of the fence and I've got to tell you the flowers are blooming, the grass is green, and life is good!
So with that short intro I'll bid you adieu... until I have time to put up a real post.
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