An explanation...

I need to explain, my parents aren’t bad people, in fact they’re very good people. They reacted in the same way most LDS parents would (and do) react to their children when apostasy, major sins, or same gender attractions are revealed. We were taught in the church that parents are responsible for their child’s actions and my dad fully believes that each of his children’s sins will hang over his head during his judgment. So not only were they reacting to my apostasy, they were also absorbing the information in a self-preservation mode. It was a lot to deal with and in a very sudden manner, their fight or flight response was activated and they chose flight. I understand that had I remained in the church I might have acted similarly in the event one of my children left the church and as such have accepted their actions, although I hope I might have handled it better.

We have exchanged a few emails and had a few conversations about my feelings but for the most part the topic is generally avoided. My dad and I have seemed to salvage a relationship out of the mess that occurred and are getting to the point that we can enjoy a conversation without the feeling of something looming. My mom and I haven’t and our weekly conversations have been eliminated but I hope that someday she’ll accept me and decide to love me despite her opinion of my decision. On the same note I hope that someday I can get over the hurt and anger that her reaction caused and have the courage to try to initiate the healing process again.

For the most part neighbors and friends have been very loving and accepting. We have agreed that anyone who would like to visit may and as such have the occasional home/visiting teachers come by. As long as they respect us and remain civil they will always be welcome. There have also been some very unkind and hurtful comments that I have to laugh at and don’t allow to bother me. Some of my favorites are: I have been told that there’s a dark cloud over my house (despite my beautifully blooming yard), in a surprised voice “Your house has a really good feeling in it”, and the common “Are you doing this to be a supportive spouse?”.

Many “Post-Mormons” are terrified to “come out” and tell their families and friends because of the common reactions of intolerance, blame, and condemnation, instead hiding their opinions and new lives. This option was available to me but I never gave it much consideration, like I said before I am a very honest person (sometimes to a fault) and couldn’t imagine living a lie, plus we had a baby being born so it wasn’t something we could hide for long. Some days, I do wish I could have stomached this option. It would be much easier to have continued on, allowing my family to assume what they will instead of being given the “silent treatment”, potentially being disowned, and having any trust that was once there evaporate in the time it took to hit “send”. My only hope is that someday they’ll overcome their bias and understand that my family and I are still the great people we always have been and that being an active member of the church does not make you better than anyone else.

As I mentioned the “Post-Mormons” are many and thankfully we have been able to meet quite a few families in a very similar situation. My ignorance has been eliminated as I once thought that only people who wanted to sin, couldn’t handle the “lifestyle”, and who weren’t strong and faithful members left the church. Instead I have met people who had incredible faith; a bishops wife, a second counselor, a young wife who volunteered to help with conference transcripts, all local and all who found similar information and had the courage to question their “truth”. Within 1 month this local group grew from 14 adult individuals to over 35, there was no recruitment, no missionaries, no coercion, just people who found the truth and reached out online to those who have gone before. You can meet these people and more at PostMormon.org. In general they are a loving and open group who understand the hurt, anger, and fear that comes with leaving one’s belief system. I have learned much from their examples (good and bad).

Many people who leave the church become Atheist or Agnostic, and a few convert to another religion. I now consider myself Agnostic but with Christian leanings. I don't want to affiliate myself with a religion or define myself by one. I now understand that the Bible wasn’t what I was taught but I still believe it to be mostly inspired writings. I believe that Christ came to Earth and changed it permanently, he taught us to love unconditionally, to forgive all, and to serve those around us. I still cling to those teachings and teach them to my children. Jay and I talk about Christ daily and Ike has begun to participate, I love those teaching moments and opportunities. I do still try to see the good in the church and understand why it is such a major part of so many lives. I believe the prophets and apostles to be mostly good men that are trying their best to lead millions to God. I don’t agree with many of their tactics and find that many of their teachings either contradict what was said before or put an unrealistic burden on the members to do more, be better, and give more. What I’ve learned for myself is that “What’s good about the church isn’t unique, and what’s unique about the church isn’t true”.

One common theme about the “PostMo’s” is an almost unquenchable thirst for knowledge. Most continue to research the church long after they leave, finding problem, after inconsistency, after horrific historical action. I have tried to channel this thirst to more productive measures reading positive books, listening to pod casts, educating myself about other religions, gardening, immersing myself in my projects and learning about better parenting techniques. I have done this in a very conscience effort to avoid being bitter toward the church and feel I have succeeded.

Many people have been offended by this blog and I apologize for any hurt feelings. In one last defense I would like to put you in my shoes for just one minute. Let’s pretend you decided to leave your spouse. This spouse had been extremely unfaithful and has lived a double life unbeknownst to you. One day you came upon a mass amount of evidence, so much that you couldn’t stomach looking through all of it – there was no question that your spouse had been lying to you ever since you first met. You knew in your heart you needed to leave and find the courage do finally so. You tell your family and friends that you are leaving and although some were loving most turned their backs and ignored your need to be validated. Most assumed that you wanted to go sleep around or live a life of sin instead of having the “burden” of a marriage and family to weigh you down. Your spouse told all your family members as much and they didn't think they had a reason not to believe him/her as they have always trusted that person. After a year and a thousand assumptions you wonder why no one has asked your side of the story. Would you not get sick of being called a sinner and want to have your story be heard? Could you be fine with “I found some stuff and my spouse wasn’t who they pretended to be” even though you knew they didn't believe you? I couldn’t.