Bombs Away...

I internalize everything. I am not someone who “talks out” my issues. I think them over, research, weigh the pros and cons, asses my feelings, and then come to a conclusion. During this process I am very quiet about what is on my mind and don’t reveal my inner workings until I have come to a conclusion. Thankfully Davin is similar and understands my need for space when I’m mulling something over. So while I was researching the church Davin and I wouldn’t talk about the issues until I had come to a conclusion on a subject. I would then bring it up and find out what his opinion was. It was very freeing to be able to open a subject up and explore it together, most of the time I found we had come to the same conclusion (although often we had looked at very different sources).

Neither of our families had any idea that we were leaning away from the church, they were all under the assumption that we were still faithful members. No one in either family knew anything until we told them we were out. I regret this, as it was a huge bomb to drop at their feet and a lot to expect them to ingest in one fell swoop. It was unfair of us not to allude to anything, however, we did not hide our struggle… it just wasn’t approached. As someone who internalizes things it was against my nature to talk to my family until I had already made a decision. I also didn’t want to affect anyone else’s testimony and I knew (first hand) how damaging this information was. I thought I had an unbreakable testimony, that I would be “a tower of strength to those who are weak” (yep, that was in my patriarchal blessing) and couldn’t imagine ever leaving the church. How could a tower of strength show weakness? Only evil people left the church! How could anyone inside the church understand without me damaging their “unbreakable” faith?

Davin felt he needed to tell his mom where he stood with the church before I had made a firm decision and I agreed. She has always been a faithful member in her heart and has tried to pass that faith on to her sons. Although she has never felt at home in a ward setting Cindy has always impressed me with the conviction she holds dear and with her example of Christ like love and service. Davin was very firm in his standing and felt strongly that he needed to be honest with his mom so he sat her down and broke the news. I was taking care of the boys in another room for most all of the discussion but was able to make it in near the end. She had tears in her eyes but more than anything there was love and understanding radiating from her. She asked if my family knew and I explained that I was still on the fence but that they didn’t know anything. We all talked for a few minutes then she gave us each a very warm hug, told us that no matter what she loves us and will always be there for us, encouraged us not to be bitter, and that was that. We never really spoke religion with Davin’s family and still don’t but the air is clear and everyone’s ok.

Around early March of 2010 I had made a decision, I needed to leave the LDS church and I needed to tell my family. I was due in July and wanted the air to clear before my delivery. I decided I did want him to be blessed for traditions sake and was sure my dad would gladly bless our new baby. Most of all I wanted to tell them in person (they live in NM) and they were coming up in April so I had determined to tell them then. My cousin was getting married that weekend but it was a very quick trip and we didn’t see them much so timing was difficult. I didn’t want to tell them before the events and ruin her special day which left the night they slept here on their way home to break the news. We also had some other major family drama happen shortly before they came up so I was struggling with whether to tell them at all, I knew this was going to be huge and really didn’t want to add to their stress. I was so torn but honesty is such an important part of who I am that I knew I needed to tell the truth with our situation.

That night they didn’t arrive until late. They were tired and I still had kids to put to sleep, so Davin and I rushed to get the boys to sleep and hoped we’d be able to catch my parents before they crashed for the night. I had intended to give them each a letter (the same one I sent everyone), let them read it, then come in to talk. My plans were dashed very quickly when I found out mom had taken out her contacts for the night and dad had an eye infection or something that made it hard for him to read at the time. So, with a knot in my stomach with what I feared would result in revealing this to my parents, I sat them down and told them I had something to say. I explained that I wanted to read them a letter then I’d like to talk to them about it. Davin was in the other room while I read the letter, as I wanted to confront them alone. So I began to read:


There is no easy way to start a letter such as the one I am about to attempt so I am not going to do so gently or eloquently. In short, I have decided to leave the church. This has been a very personal decision and one I have not made lightly. I apologize for the horrific timing, the suddenness, and blunt manner of this revelation but out of love and respect for you I don’t feel it’s wise that I keep this from you any longer. Although it may seem sudden to you this has been a very long process filled with study, prayer, and contemplation. However, in the end the result is a loss of my once strong testimony of Joseph Smith and the truthfulness of the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I still have a strong testimony of Jesus Christ, of His life, the atonement, and the resurrection. I whole heartedly believe that families can be together forever if they are bound by love, are faithful, and try their hardest to live as Christ would have them do. I believe in the power of faith, prayer and the miracles that happen when true faith and earnest prayer are offered to a loving Heavenly Father. I believe that we are surrounded by truth and beauty and that we need only to open our eyes, minds, and hearts to it. I believe that all religion has truth and I intend to seek that truth out and teach my family all that I find. I still have a great love for the church and for the amazing people in it. I believe that the Prophet and Apostles are good men who are inspired and who are doing their best to guide the members of the church to eternal glory. I just don’t believe you have to be a member to gain that eternal glory, nor do I believe that all members will gain that despite the callings they may have held.

This decision is not an easy one to make, I have measured the consequences and they have heavily weighed on me but in the end it is more important for me to be true to myself than to have others think highly of me. I believe it is also a very important lesson for me to teach my children as I think that being true to yourself is more important than other people’s perception of you.

I assure you, I have not been offended by anyone in the church, nor have I ever had a better ward & neighborhood. We have been welcomed with open arms and have loved this area since before we moved in. Nor have I decided to leave the church because it requires us to live a higher law, I intend to continue living a higher law – that of my own conscience instead of something that is dictated. I’m sure many people will criticize me saying I am taking the “easy way out”, and I assure you – this is not easy, nor is it a way out.

The hardest question to answer and the one I am sure you are asking is “Why?”. Although I have many answers to that question it is not something I feel I can answer because I don’t want to be responsible for the loss of another’s testimony. It sounds like a “cop out” answer but I mourn the loss of my innocent testimony and don’t want to inflict that on another. In short, there are parts of the church (past and present) that I cannot agree with and refuse to ignore.

I love you and hope you will respect this decision but understand and respect that you might not agree with it. Although, it has been a journey I have travelled alone it is one that Davin has travelled alongside me and we have come out the other side in agreement that this is best for us and our family. I found a quote not long ago that reads: “When you come to the end of everything you know… and the next step is into the darkness of the great unknown… you must believe one of two things. Either you will step out onto firm ground or you will be taught to fly.” The church was everything I’ve ever known, it has made me who I am today; now that I have left that behind and travelled through the darkness of the unknown I have found myself to be on firm ground, where I am more content with who I am, where I am at peace with my life, and where I can see a very bright future ahead of me and my family and hopefully, where I will be taught to fly.

With nothing but love and respect,
Janea


By the second sentence my mom turned off. She began to stare at the wall in front of her and didn’t respond to most anything during what followed. My dad looked shocked and confused but tried to talk to us and find out what brought this on. He wanted to know details and specific issues. He was very calm and tried to have a positive and open conversation about what I had found and where I now stood. At some point Davin came in a quietly sat next to me to offer his presence as some support.

I explained that Joseph Smith was the primary issue for me, especially his polygamous affairs. I did not agree that marrying 14 year olds after sending their only family away and telling them their salvation was at stake was commanded by God. We talked for a while, with dad sharing some of his ideas and admitting that my mom has struggled with the concept of polygamy also.

At one point my mom left with her cell phone, returned after a while and accused one of my old friends of causing my apostasy. I was upset and retaliated by telling her that I thought it was really sad that she hadn’t let an old grudge go. She came back with telling me it was sad that her pregnant daughter was sitting there with her innocent boys in their rooms and I was ruining our future (something to that extent).

I took the opportunity to then ask my dad if he would bless Luke since Davin wouldn't be able to. I also explained that we had talked to Jayden who encouraged and supported our decision to not go to church anymore. After some more conversation with my dad I told them that I’d let them get some sleep and we left.

I got my pajamas on, emailed the same letter to the remainder of my family, then went back to give my parents a hug and tell them that no matter my decision I still love and respect them. Unfortunately the door was shut, the lights were off, and I didn’t have the courage to knock, instead thinking things would be better in the morning.

That opportunity never came; they woke early, packed their bags, and left without saying goodbye. There wasn’t even a note and I was heartbroken.