I am now moving on, this story was the final thing holding me back. I have now set my story free and can hopefully put the upset and hurt behind me. I understand many who read this story will not believe it and may even ridicule me for it, but it is true and their opinion does not change what happened. I did not go looking for a reason to leave the LDS church; I was looking for the truth to help those I love and found answers I did not think existed. Those answers had not been taught to me as had other church history, they had been conveniently hidden. The LDS church does not deny the issues I found most troubling, they just normally don’t address it. To steal a quote “I don’t have a problem believing something that cannot be proven, what I have is a problem believing something that can be disproven.” However, I honestly believe that had this all been taught to me originally I would still be a content member of the LDS faith.
My family and I now enjoy our Sundays together, instead of filling them with meetings that keep us separate. We enjoy going for walks, hiking, dreaming, having scavenger hunts, playing, and otherwise spending quality time together. We all look forward to Sundays and enjoy them as our “Family Fun Day”. With the hectic weeks our modern lives now lead with school, work, volunteering, more school, and still more work not much time is left to spend together as a family; we now have an entire day set aside for it. This has been a wonderful blessing and our family has benefitted from it greatly.
I no longer feel a burden to “do more, be more, and give more”. Instead I do what I can, be who I am, and give to worthy causes. Davin has taught me to serve without question and to put others above myself and I’m trying to follow his example and support him in his efforts. We do our best to balance what we have so as to keep our priorities in line.
In general life is better than it ever has been. I am happier with who I am and don’t feel like I need to keep up appearances for fear of someone looking down on me any longer. I am not afraid of knowledge or truth and seek it out. I am doing my best to increase my learning and look forward to my chance at returning to school. I am not afraid of trying new things, of speaking my mind, or sharing my ideas.
I love that I can say I don’t know everything and feel that is an admirable quality. I don’t know what the future holds, I don’t know if there is any true religion, and I don’t know if man knows of any absolute truth. I believe my life will speak for itself, that if there is a judgment I will be judged on how I lead my life and how I treat others not on whether I remember a secret handshake. I believe that all religion has truth and good and that it is our responsibility to open our eyes to it. I believe that our family is bound by love and “what is bound on earth is bound in heaven” so we will be ok. I believe that Davin and I have a love that cannot be separated by death and as such will live on through the eternities. I believe that each individual is responsible for their own lives and that how they live that life is what ultimately matters. Most of all I believe we each have a right to believe however and whatever we may and no one should judge or belittle another because of it.
Janea,
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing what you have written; it was very enlightening and I found your story quite interesting (you write well).
I have spoken with Davin briefly on a few occasions and he has mentioned some of the LDS topics and events he has studied. I understand and accept misgivings to a lot of strange LDS history, doctrine and leader opinions.
I am wondering at this point what you and Davin now believe and what have you rejected as truth? How do you determine what is truth? Is that even important to you now (I gather that it is from the feel of your writing)?
You mentioned accepting Christ in an earlier post. Do you believe in a past existence? What does the future hold after death? Where does Christ fit into all of this? Is he our brother or God in mortal form? Do you follow the Niacin Creed (sp) and accept the Trinity as a form of God or do you see Christ as a separate entity/person?
Assuming I decided to leave the church myself (I would hope I could do so as intelligently, lovingly, and gracefully as it seems you have), I wouldn't know where to begin to look for the "Plan" of God and how I should live towards it. How do you do this?
Thanks again for writing this, I look forward to your reply.
Ken
Thank you for your kind comments and questions. Many have not been so considerate. I plan to answer some of your questions but hesitate to answer all because my opinion is constantly evolving and “I don’t know” is honestly a genuine answer for many. I cannot answer for Davin but he may weigh in on a comment of his own. Our conclusions do differ but the beauty of where we now stand is that frankly, it doesn’t matter and does not affect our relationship in any way.
ReplyDeleteIt turns out there is a character limit to the comments so this will be in two posts. Turns out I'm a little long winded ;).
I struggle with answering your questions as I have not yet settled on many conclusions. What I have rejected as truth is simply the LDS church. I believe the church is a fraud but I do see the importance of it in many lives. Humans by very nature are drawn to religion and everyone has a need to feel like they’re a part of something greater. I do believe “the church” teaches some truths and that in general “they” have very good intentions but I do not find that unique to the LDS church. Defining “truth” is difficult because I firmly believe that truth is relative to the individual. What I determine as “truth” is what I believe to be good; it must resonate within me and be able to withstand considerable scrutiny. Truth will always be important to me however, I understand that what I view as truth you may not and I no longer believe either of us is damned because of it.
ReplyDeleteChrist will always hold an important part in my life. I can no longer state that I know without a shadow if a doubt that He was the literal son of God. What I do know is He changed the world, lived an exemplary life, and gave us many teachings worth living by. I have not yet tried to “redefine” Christ or His role in my life but I do still pray “through” Him and teach my children of Him. I also plan to teach my children of many other notable people from other religions. In short if I believe it to be good I will research it for myself and teach it to my children. I do not think limiting one’s knowledge to their own religion is of benefit as it closes the mind to the many other wonders and positive influences of the world.
My opinion of God has altered over this journey and has not yet settled on a singular conclusion. I do know that I have never believed in the “puppet master” theory where God is a man with a white beard pulling the strings of our lives. I cannot fathom a God who will answer the prayers of a local swim team to win a championship while ignoring the pleas of an abused mother for her dying child because one was from the “right” religion. I also don’t understand that when someone of faith has a tragic event in their lives it is considered a trial whereas it is a punishment for those outside the faith. In short I was taught when I was a very young teen that God put the laws of nature into motion, which bound Him by those same laws and allows each of us our agency, then stood back and let things happen as they will. I lean more toward this conclusion.
As for a pre-mortal or post-mortal life I don’t know, but I do know that I intend to live my life with courage, honor, and dignity more because it is right than because it will reward me in the hereafter. If I am rewarded then I’ll be thankful for the extra bonus.
I do not think that the point of this life is “knowing His plan” and following it. I believe that the point is to do the best with what you’re given, to love openly, and to try to make the world a better place. As the saying goes “the joy is in the journey” and I intend to embrace every moment of my journey.
The beauty of leaving the church for the reasons we have is there is an interesting after effect that seems to happen to all of us (“us” as in similar apostates) and that is an almost unquenchable thirst for knowledge. Many use this thirst to learn more about the LDS church and continue to find disturbing facts; others use it to learn more about the religions they were ignorant to and still others use it to find a religion to join. I have used it to expand my horizons and have tried not to focus it entirely on religion. It is a very freeing and positive experience.
I do not think that everyone should leave the LDS church, I just think they should all know the truth and that the leaders of the church should be more open and honest about the past and current dealings of the church. If you were to leave the church and didn’t know where to “find God” I would suggest looking inward as I believe we all have greatness within and if you follow what you feel is true and good I honestly don’t feel like you can go wrong.
Darn, I was hoping for some solid answers here. "I believe 'blank' because of 'blank'." You pretty much gave me the same answers that Davin did...not exactly, but similar. So, I guess you are in a large question phase, admitting that you don't know and probably will never know?
ReplyDeleteI whole-heartedly agree with your statements regarding God putting the laws of nature into motion, and then standing back and letting things happen. I think that all the things that are so "horrid" to us here will look very minor in the whole scheme of things. I also believe the largest meter in which we will be judged will be on loving our neighbors.
I, on the other hand, am not comfortable at all with just saying, "I don't know, I have no idea, nor do I think I can know." While I do know that I don't REALLY know; having something clear to work from is a huge help.
I do very much understand the questioning and inquisitiveness about the LDS faith and looking to see if it is congruent and makes sense. I also understand your line of reasoning and not accepting the things that don't seem to fit in. That all makes a lot of sense to me.
So, it sounds to me as if you are agnostic now? It seems to me, were I to reject some aspects of any faith that I was once heavily involved in, that I would then find things to be incongruent with all faiths (or any one faith in particular); and then have to reject those for the same reasons I rejected my first. For none are completely or even closely aligned perfectly. They all have the problems of man. Do you see it that way?
Then it seems to me I would see all faiths as a total sham and a way to manipulate the masses. I would be faithless. Do you feel this way at all and if so, how do you deal with that?
Thanks for chatting it up with me here.
-Ken
Ken, I think you are confusing “spiritual” with “religious”. To be a person of faith does not mean you need to be affiliated with a religion. Some of the more spiritual people I know are not religious but are people of faith who serve others openly and without restraint, who try to better the world, and who are all around good people. I am not faithless, but I do not affiliate myself with a religion nor do I ever plan to. I do not believe any religion has it all right but I do think they are all good and believe in what they are doing. I understand the innate need for many people (such as yourself) to be a part of a religion and to define themselves by that religion. I do not feel that need and love that I do not have to be defined by a religion, I love and have embraced being “undefined”.
ReplyDeleteI was not avoiding your questions, but even you admitted that you do not know but that you have faith in the foundation of what you believe. When I put that same foundation to some scrutiny it crumbled before my eyes which forced me to find a different foundation to rely on. My current standing is simple, it has no qualifications, no passcodes, no hoops to jump through, and there is nothing that will wither when put up to scrutiny. My foundation is that of being a good person, living my life to the fullest and trying to become the best version of myself I can be while helping others along the way and improving my surroundings. I believe if I can fulfill that then I will have lived well and if there is a judgment that I will be held blameless before God. I believe in living a good life because it is an inalienable truth, it can withstand a barrage of storms, and will never crumble or wither away.
I am not in a question phase at all, my questions have been answered and what remains is contentment that life is good! The view is much clearer from the Other Side of the Fence… unfortunately, only those on this side will ever see it.
I guess that all depends on how you define question phase. I look at it as either you got more questions, or more answers on one subject or another. You may have a lot of your questions about the LDS faith answered, but what about otherwise? You mentioned a thirst for knowledge by those in your position...if this exists, then there must be questions. No?
ReplyDeleteHehe, I guess I am just a little disappointed that you didn't have something big to share with me. Some perspective or view on the "Plan of Salvation" (I really don't know what else to call it, so I will stick with the LDS term). Some reason to accept this book of the Bible but not another one for some historical reason or another. Some other writings that you have incorporated into your new faith, because of this or that standard. I very much enjoy perspectives of others and seeing another way of understanding.
I can understand turning away from the LDS faith based on reasons you have stated, but I guess I expected a turn to something else more concrete. I have no hard feelings, of course. I just expected something different.
I may be confusing "spiritual" and "religious." I may not understand. I don't see how not believing in something "concrete" is clearer than believing in...? I DO understand adapting ideas and principles from other faiths because they are good or worthwhile. That seems "concrete" to me. But, by adapting these ideas, are we not creating, in essence, a religion (official or not)?
-Ken
I truly love and relate to what you said about finally having "TIME" for your family- our Sundays are finally truly calm. I also love being free from the feelings of inadequacy and judgements. I am barely coming out myself and I admire your bravery and honesty. I wish you the best in your life.
ReplyDelete