My story, my vents, my successes, and failures all posted for the world to see. More importantly a place to release my inner monologue and to find peace in setting my life free.
I have decided to compile my experience of leaving the LDS church into a single post. It is 11 posts compiled into one extremely long story so please take your time reading it. The format has been changed through the compilation process so I apologize for the poor appearance. Someday I may return to increase the "curb appeal" but until then this is my story - please tread lightly.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
In the Beginning...
...there was an idea and that idea
sprouted wings! While mentally going over my many projects and other stressors
I decided I needed an outlet. A place to brag my sucesses, and complain about
my failures, a place to vent my frustrations, to share things I have learned,
to teach, to help, to release... so naturally a blog came to mind! This way
people can choose to read what I have to say instead of having it sprung upon
them and I can have a release without feeling guilty about venting to someone
who didn't want to hear it.
The name came immediately as soon
as a blog was an option - The Other Side of the Fence. Perfect! It encomapasses
all that I hope to write about: Gardening, Woodworking, My many Projects, and
ironically my current standing with the LDS church. Yes, I am on the other side
of the fence and I've got to tell you the flowers are blooming, the grass is
green, and life is good!
So with that short intro I'll bid
you adieu... until I have time to put up a real post.
Friday, March 4, 2011
My Story...
Most stories begin with Once upon a
time… as does mine. For once upon a time I was a young impressionable girl. I
tried my best to be what everyone thought I should be: beautiful, thin,
talented, obedient, faithful, patient, and happy. For the most part I succeeded
and was happy in doing so. I did not see any wrong in things that were
happening around me or in things I was taught. It was just the way things were
and I was taught not to question. I was raised in the LDS church, dreamed of
someday serving a mission, and wholeheartedly accepted all I was taught. I was
given many opportunities to excel: when I asked I was given my own gardens to
plant and care for, shown how to sew and then allowed to make my own patterns
(and mistakes), helped my dad with his projects, given cameras to develop my
passion for photography, allowed to have a few pets and eventually even allowed
to buy a dog and bring animals home from the pet store I worked at for so long
(as long as they were returned:) ). My childhood was generally happy and
although not perfect I was glad to have a good family to share it with.
As I entered adulthood I moved to
Provo, UT to go to college. Although my intentions were good I didn’t do much
“college” but loved the freedoms I was suddenly allowed. I was enrolled in UVSC
and had an apartment with 5 other girls, some enrolled in BYU. We had a lot of
fun and I gained some close friends while there. This is where I started to see
some things that I didn’t agree with. I didn’t like how controlling BYU was, I
felt their restrictions didn’t allow “adults” to act as such and I hated that
they enforced such stringent rules. I also dated a handful of returned
missionaries and some who chose not to serve missions and found I was generally
treated with more respect by the guys who didn’t go on missions. I learned that
things I was taught to be true weren’t taught to others and often stories
didn’t “mesh”. However, as a stalwart young woman I didn’t focus much attention
to these things and filed them away in the back of my mind as I was taught to.
I remembered the many lessons from church, seminary, and home that taught me to
only look to things that were faith promoting and that we’ll find out the rest
“in due course”. So I didn’t question, I just kept trying to hold to the iron
rod.
My courtship with Davin is another
tale; however, it is vital to my story. He and I met when I was 14, I dated
some of his friends and ended up engaged to one (thankfully me slapping him was
all it took for him to call that off!). Davin and I kissed the first time as
juniors, which ended badly with hurt feelings and an embargo on our friendship
for two years. Thankfully there is a fine line between love and hate and
eventually we found our way back to each other (thanks babe for being
persistent!). I struggled with my feelings for Davin because I had always
planned to go on a mission and I knew he wasn’t the “Peter Priesthood” type
that I was looking for. However, I couldn’t deny my feelings for him, I loved
him with all my heart and soul and I knew it was the real love that lasts
beyond a lifetime. He knew I expected to marry in the LDS temple and although
it broke his heart that his mom couldn’t be there he agreed. We were married in
the bountiful temple, with my family inside and his waiting outside (something
we both regret to this day). The wedding was awkward at best; he seeing me in
my dress for the first time with all the extra garb was heartbreaking. No one
warned me and I was taken aback. This was not how I had dreamt my wedding would
be! No isle, no “I dos”, no Maid of Honor, no flower girl, not even a decent
entrance! But there was one thing, Davin, staring at me with all the love he
had, barely blinking, and the thought that if I could be with him forever it
would all be worth it. The reception was a nightmare and in general I have
never been so disappointed with people I should have been able to depend on. It
was all worth it, though, as I got to marry the man of my dreams and slept in
his arms that night filled with all the love we shared and our bright future
ahead.
Two houses and two children later
we started on a journey very different than I would have ever imagined… the
journey that led us out of the church.
To be continued…
Monday, March 7, 2011
Lets take a step back...
Ok, so there are a few things that
I need to clarify. First, I have always loved Davin for who he is. I love him
for his character, his strength, his willpower, and his courage. Davin has
never tried to fit a mold that others created for him. He has always been an
individual. I learned this early on while trying to choose paint colors for our
house weeks into our marriage. I wanted to paint two rooms with an adjoining
wall blue and yellow… he thought it would look like a nursery and “vetoed” my
plans. I was in shock! In my world men weren’t supposed to have decorating
opinions and were supposed to say “Yes dear, whatever you think.” I genuinely
thought our marriage was headed for disaster, thankfully we made it through and
I pulled my head out. This silly event (to this day one of our biggest fights)
taught me that Davin wasn’t going to be a pushover, that he wasn’t afraid to
point out what he thought was wrong or stupid, and that he wasn’t afraid to
challenge tradition. Funny I got all that out of paint but it was a learning
experience I’ll never forget. …Turns out he just thought he needed to stand his
ground on something early so as to set the tone for our marriage as one of
equality. He now lets me paint the walls whatever color I choose and I still
give him the opportunity to veto my ideas.
Davin and I have a very open
relationship and have always had great communication starting well before we
were engaged. We could talk about virtually every subject except religion. We
were raised very differently; I was raised in a very strict LDS home, attended
seminary, encouraged to have “good LDS” friends, went to church every week,
rigidly obeyed the Sabbath, etc. Davin was raised in a different environment
with a good Mom that made a deal with her sons that if they’d go to church with
her they could get ice cream after, who taught her boys to do what is right
because it’s right, that family is first no matter what, and a dad who told
Davin he would rather Davin die than serve a mission. So we obliviously had
different expectations. Some of mine were very rigid and frankly set Davin up
for failure; when it came to religion there was no way he could have completely
made me happy. So, religion was always kind of a taboo subject in our marriage.
We would sometimes breach it but often ended up feeling frustrated and
misunderstood. In general we tried to do what we thought was right and did our
best to find that middle ground. We did read the BOM together, did FHE, and
occasionally attended the temple. But there was always that “eggshell” feeling
and underlying disappointment.
One Sunday two years ago we were
substituting a CTR 6 class and teaching them about Joseph Smith translating the
bible and other scripture. Davin and I always had a deal, if he would help me
sub I’d prepare the lesson and he’d read one of the stories and run
interference with the 11+ kids in the class. First we taught about Joseph
translating the bible, which was old news even to the 6 year olds. Then the
Book of Abraham comes in and the manual tells this story:
“In the late 1820s an Italian
explorer named Antonio Lebolo obtained eleven mummies from an ancient tomb in
Egypt. When Lebolo died the mummies were shipped to the United States. A man
named Michael Chandler came into possession of the mummies in 1833. He opened
the coffins (the boxes the mummies were in) and was disappointed not to find
jewels or valuable treasures. Attached to some of the bodies of the mummies
were linen cloths containing rolls of papyrus, a type of paper made from
plants. These papyrus rolls had Egyptian writing on them. Mr. Chandler took the
rolls to Pennsylvania, where he tried to find some educated men to tell him
about the writings, but even the most educated of these men were only able to
understand a little of the writings.
Mr. Chandler decided to travel
around the country showing people the mummies, and in the summer of 1835 he
came to Kirtland, Ohio. There he met with Joseph Smith, who told him that the
writings could be interpreted. Later some friends of the Prophet bought four
mummies and the rolls of papyrus from Mr. Chandler. Joseph Smith studied the
letters and grammar of the Egyptian language, and then, with the help of the
Holy Ghost, he translated the writings on the papyrus rolls. The writings
Joseph Smith translated tell about the ancient prophet Abraham and are now
published as the book of Abraham in the Pearl of Great Price.” (Quoted from
Primary 5 manual)
After reading this story Davin
looked at me questioningly and mouthed “really?” I shook my head yes and
continued teaching. This single lesson opened a Pandora’s Box.
Once we got home Davin couldn’t
stop thinking about it “Why haven’t I heard this before? How could I know so
little about my own religion? What else don’t I know that I should?” So, Davin
did what comes natural to him – he did some research.
At the same time I had a friend
confide in me that her mom had been having some struggles. That she had
recently heard Joseph Smith was a polygamist and that there were a lot of other
things that he did that she was struggling with. Then another one of our
friends decided to share that he had been struggling with the church, that he
found out some unsavory things about his dad (who held a distinctive position
in the church) and wasn’t punished at all for some transgressions that would
have had a “traditional” member disfellowshipped or excommunicated. It seemed
like everywhere we turned there was something else.
My mind was reeling with all this
new information, it seemed like daily there was some new dirt on the church
from a new source and I wasn’t ready to face it. But, I decided to talk to
Davin (who was still doing research with some alarming results). We sat down
and I told him that if the church wasn’t true, fine, let’s find out together.
He looked surprised; it had never occurred to him that it might not be true! We
had always been taught that the gospel is perfect but that because it is run by
man it is made imperfect. Could it possibly be that the problem could reside in
the gospel itself? Crap, there I go opening another door! So we started reading
“No Man Knows My History” by Fawn Brodie (a biography on Joseph Smith). I
didn’t like how it sounded and was feeling overwhelmed by it all so I stopped
and told Davin I didn’t want him to read it either. He consented but continued
to research in his spare time. I decided to just ignore it and told Davin if he
had questions to please talk to me about them but to please avoid any anti
Mormon sites, to read his scriptures more, and to pray more. That is what the
church teaches, so it must work. I didn’t even consider that those generic
answers were designed to keep people from finding answers to questions that
thousands have asked before.
At this time we were hoping to get
pregnant. I was wondering if our marriage would last and couldn’t help but
wonder if getting pregnant in such a turbulent time for us was a good idea.
What if Davin couldn’t bless the baby? What if I needed a priesthood blessing
and he couldn’t deliver? What if this ultimately drove us apart – could I
really support three kids? How would we raise our children in a faithless home?
I knew that religion and money were the two major factors that cause divorce
and I was terrified.
Dun, dun, dun.....
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The Beginning of the End...
For those of you who are reading
this and are still active members of the LDS church I feel compelled to warn
you. I am doing this blog to release my story, as no one has ever asked me and
it is time I let it go and move on. To do this I intend to tell my whole story,
including what I found that was so damaging to my testimony as to cause me to
leave the LDS church. Although there is too much information that I know now to
include this post will likely contain the most damaging of the “deal breakers”.
I was once proud and thought that nothing could ever convince me to leave the
church. Before reading on you need to honestly ask yourself – “If the church
wasn’t true would I want to know?” because that is exactly what I learned for
myself.
I was terrified; my happy little
world was coming to an end. Oh yeah, and I got pregnant so I needed to make
some decisions and fast. At this point I still had a strong testimony of the
church, the priesthood, and the gospel as I knew it. We were still paying
tithing and fast offerings, fulfilling our callings, and attending church,
although it was difficult to see how upset Jay was after (he has a severe
speech disability that made him very difficult to understand so he often felt
ignored and invalidated). He also had a very difficult time with some of the
lessons; a particular one was a detailed account of the Crucifixion. Seriously,
who teaches 3 year olds that their hero (Christ) had nails driven through his
hands and feet and was left hanging on a cross to die? I tried to take
everything in stride and we genuinely have an AMAZING ward that tried very hard
to make Jay and us feel welcome. This ward has been the best ward we’ve been in
since being married, there was never any offense and everyone was very kind and
welcoming. I knew I would still be accepted if I stayed and Davin left, I knew
that Davin would support me no matter what I chose, but I also knew that there
was more to this than I was allowing myself to see.
Early on in my life I had come to a
conclusion that Brigham Young did a lot of things that I didn’t agree with and
like many Mormons I came to think of him as kind of a blackish spot in Mormon
history. He did some amazing things but also did some horrific things (most of
which I had apparently been sheltered from). So with this I had already decided
that prophets weren’t perfect, that they were men just doing their best. I did
still believe that they personally communed with Christ and were the voice of
the Lord but that they were still imperfect in an almost perfect sort of way.
Somehow Brigham Young just had his own category in my mind as Prophet, Seer,
Revelator, and occasional bad guy. So when Davin had some questions after
reading the Journal of Discourses I wasn’t too surprised. I just wrote them off
as a confirmation as to why the church doesn’t make it as available as many of
the other prophets’ writings. Then I learned about the blood atonement:
“You say, "That man ought to
die for transgressing the law of God." Let me suppose a case. Suppose you
found your brother in bed with your wife, and put a javelin through both of
them, you would be justified, and they would atone for their sins, and be
received into the kingdom of God. I would at once do so in such a case; and
under such circumstances, I have no wife whom I love so well that I would not
put a javelin through her heart, and I would do it with clean hands.” (Journal of Discourses Volume 3)
“It is true that the blood of the
Son of God was shed for sins through the fall and those committed by men, yet
men can commit sins which it can never remit. As it was in ancient days, so it
is in our day; and though the principles are taught publicly from this stand,
still the people do not understand them; yet the law is precisely the same.
There are sins that can be atoned for by an offering upon an altar, as in
ancient days; and there are sins that the blood of a lamb, of a calf, or of
turtle doves, cannot remit, but they must be atoned for by the blood of the
man.” (Journal of Discourses Vol. 4 – you
can read it all if you’re interested in BYU’s electronic
library)
Wait a minute… did I read that
right? Brigham Young taught that the Atonement of Christ wasn’t good enough?
That people still needed to do sacrifices, including that of their own blood,
for their sins? That’s not what I was taught! I was still able to distance
myself and the church I knew from it though because, well, I already had
Brigham Young in that “other” category. Then the Mountain Meadows
Massacre came up in a conversation with a friend. Once again I
tried to sweep it under my mental rug. (Then again how do you sweep a massacre
of 120 unarmed people, most of which are women and children then desecrating
their grave under the rug?) Eventually there was a pretty big pile of concerns
under that rug and the pile was growing at an alarming rate.
One night Davin and I were talking
about some of the religious questions he was dealing with. I had forced him to
keep most of his concerns to himself and it was doing damage, there was always
a white elephant in the room and it was getting huge so we decided to hash it
out. He decided to show me a website: The Wives of Joseph Smith it
seemed innocent, informative, and well cited so I didn’t see a problem with it.
Then he read me a story about Lucy Walker, one of the young wives of Joseph
Smith (he had around 44 wives on record, 11 of which were under 20 and a
handful of 14 year olds). It killed me that a “prophet” of God could coerce a
16 year old girl into secretly marrying him by holding her family and her
salvation over her head after splitting up her family. But I was not to be
deterred. I told him that if it bothered him he shouldn’t keep reading these
things, after all, the church encourages us to only look at things that are
faith promoting for a reason (I now know that reason!). We talked about the
BOM, Joseph Smith, the priesthood, the current church, tithing, etc. In short
he was done with the church and I was done listening so the conversation ended
and I was left with a lot to sort through. Unfortunately, he was left feeling
invalidated yet again. (Not exactly my strongest moments as a supportive wife.)
During this time one of our friends
who had also been questioning the church for a while started running with
Davin. After the run they would hang out and talk about the church, church
history, and their current issues with the church or recent discoveries for a
while. This was very therapeutic for them since they didn’t really have others
to validate them (it’s not like their wives were really listening!). I would
often listen and try to be involved in the conversations but found myself
uneducated and badly informed. I knew Davin to be a smart guy, he’s not the
type to jump to conclusions, he does very thorough research, and he wouldn’t
put our marriage at risk over bad information. Our friend was very much the
same type; the only difference is he was once the epitome of a devout Mormon,
Peter Priesthood himself. So I decided it was time I found these answers for
myself. The caveat to this was I had determined to only use sources I felt the
church would approve of and no matter what I found I would not be bitter.
Opening the box...
Once again I am compelled to warn
those faithful members of the church that although this post is badly written
(Luke has a bad ear infection as has been waking on the hour, every hour for
the last 3 nights so I'm not totally in the game) it does contain some
upsetting facts. Things that ate at me until I had to learn about them for
myself. Things that ultimately led to my "apostasy".
I kept hearing the term “Mormon
Apologists” and decided to figure out who these people were and why people on
the outside of the church didn’t seem to respect them. It turns out that there
are people whose job it is to apologize for the church. They make excuses for
the inconsistencies or problems people find with the church and spend their
life doing so. Hugh Nibley is the most renowned of these apologists. Sounds
like a good place to start.
First I went back to The Wives of Joseph Smith as
it was a well-documented site and although the subject material wasn’t
“comfortable” I felt it allowed the story to be told in a fair light. Each wife
had her own story, some of which were upsetting but it also included many of
the women’s eventual testimonies of the law of polygamy. I decided to take my
time and read each of the stories as I would encourage everyone to. Some of the
stories were heartbreaking, such as Helen Mar Kimball, Fanny Alger, Lucy
Walker, the list continues but one that confused and upset me was that of Zina
Huntington Jacobs so I decided to look a little further.
Staying true to my goal I found an
article about Zina from
FAIRLDS (a well-known apologetics site) and read it. I couldn’t
wrap my mind around this. First Zina was approached by Joseph 3 times to marry
him while being courted by another man, she prayed, told Joseph no, and
eventually married the other man (a good upstanding LDS guy whom she loved and
that loved and adored her). After she married Henry, Joseph took it a step
further and told her “I have put it off and put it off until an angel with a
drawn sword has stood before me and told me if I did not establish that
principle [plurality of wives] and live it, I would lose my position and my
life and the Church could progress no further." This bothered me as at
that time Joseph already had at least 4 other wives so he was already living
his Celestial Law. Why would he be required to marry an already married woman?
Only eight months after marrying her first husband (and pregnant with his child)
she was sealed to Joseph, without Emma or Henry knowing, and told to keep it a
secret. I was floored! I was always told that polygamy was necessary because of
all the widowed women while crossing the plains. That they needed to be taken
care of so the most faithful of the men were asked to take extra wives to help
ease their burdens. Most importantly the first wife always had to give consent.
This didn’t add up! This didn’t make sense. Then there was more!!! After
Joseph’s death Brigham took many of Joseph’s wives for his own… including Zina,
who was now very pregnant with her second child (also Henry’s). Henry was there
at the temple and watched his wife be sealed to Joseph (with Young as proxy)
then married to Brigham. After the marriage Zina was then left to return to
Henry. They weren’t allowed to stay together long as Henry was sent on a
mission, while extremely ill, and soon after Brigham took Zina and their
children as his “property”. Although Henry would never be seen as Zina’s
husband after his departure his love still shows in the letters he wrote her.
Wow, that poor woman. I can’t imagine how awful that would have been. Then I
realized that all of this was found in an article trying to “explain away” the
horrific life this woman was forced to live. What else was out there?
At this point I was trying to form
my opinion of Joseph. I still believed the Book of Mormon to be true which
meant that Joseph had to be called of God, so what happened? After translating
the BOM and starting the church did he start to waver? Was he just a man who
allowed too much power to go to his head? Were girls really marrying at ages
14-16 or was that another “explanation”? Why did Emma stay with Joseph? Was she
a conspirator or did she really believe all that he taught? What kind of man
could do this to so many innocent women? Then a quote came to mind "The
Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this
Church to lead you astray. It is not in the programme. It is not in the mind of
God. If I were to attempt that, the Lord would remove me out of my place, and
so He will any other man who attempts to lead the children of men astray from
the oracles of God and from their duty." (Sixty-first Semiannual General
Conference of the Church, Monday, October 6, 1890, John Taylor) So if Joseph
wasn't removed either he was a fraud, or marrying young girls and married women
was sanctioned by God.
So I decided to look into the Book
of Mormon.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
The turning point...
Things are about to pick up pace,
it’s almost gardening season and frankly, if I went into detail about each
individual discovery I made about the church it will take the better part of
the summer to get through everything. So if you have questions or would like me
to expand on any of these please let me know. You can also research any of
these things atBYU’s Maxwell
Institute (FARMS) or FAIR LDS both
of which are dedicated to defending the LDS faith to critics. Once again, these
were some major deal breakers for me so be advised before you read on.
First, there have been many
professors, scientists, and well educated people who have decided to “prove”
that the church was correct through DNA, archaeological evidence, etc. Many of
which have found the opposite – there was nothing to link the BOM to history
and in trying to seek answers these faithful men and women eventually “studied”
their way out of Mormondom. Upon publishing their findings many professors have
been fired from BYU and excommunicated. A story I found interesting was that
of Simon Southerton a
former bishop and microbiologist from Australia. I could really relate with
many of his experiences and questions. The biggest difference was he had the
science to back him up.
I learned there was DNA evidence that
refuted the claim that Native Americans were the descendants of Israelites.
That many items in the BOM were not in the America’s (or used) at the time it
was supposed to have been written; including horses, elephants, lions, steel,
iron, cattle, sheep, silk, wool, … trust me the list is quite extensive! I
learned that there is no archeological evidence to support a war of the scale
that is described by Moroni. Nor have any breastplates, swords, or other metal
objects described in those scenes been unearthed from the time period given.
How is it the Romans left so much evidence and yet a civilization as grand as
that of the Nephites and Lamanites have none?
With each answer a hundred new
questions arose. It was quite literally a Pandora ’s Box. So many things I had
never heard of were suddenly brought to my attention. The Salamander letters,
the Kinderhook plates, the rise of Brigham Young, Joseph shooting back at the
mob at Carthage, Joseph giving the priesthood to black men (starting with Elijah Abel)
then the church with holding it later from other black saints, the information
just kept flooding in. Then I learned a little more about Joseph Smith that
helped solidify the conclusion I was already coming to.
I was always taught that the Book
of Mormon was translated by use of the Urim and Thummim while Joseph was
looking at the plates. That behind a sheet Oliver Cowdry was acting as a scribe
and writing what Joseph dictated. I then read these accounts:
"Smith's wife, Emma Smith
Bidamon, was interviewed late in her life by her son Joseph Smith III about her
knowledge of the early church. This interview took place in February 1879 in
the presence of Lewis C. Bidamon, her husband. At one point Emma stated the
following: ‘In writing for your father I frequently wrote day after day, often
sitting at the table close by him, he sitting with his face buried in his hat,
with the stone in it, and dictating hour after hour with nothing between us...
.'" (The Word of God, Dan Vogel)
"I will now give you a
description of the manner in which the Book of Mormon was translated. Joseph
Smith would put the seer stone into a hat, and put his face in the hat, drawing
it closely around his face to exclude the light; and in the darkness the
spiritual light would shine. A piece of something resembling parchment would
appear, and under it was the interpretation in English. Brother Joseph would
read off the English to Oliver Cowdery, who was his principal scribe, and when
it was written down and repeated to brother Joseph to see if it was correct,
then it would disappear, and another character with the interpretation would
appear. Thus the Book of Mormon was translated by the gift and power of God,
and not by any power of man." (An
Address to All Believers in Christ, David Whitmer)
So much for the Urim and Thummim!
After reading some more I learned that the Book of Mormon was translated while
Joseph had a stone he found (while digging a well) and his face in a hat. The
gold plates were often in another area of the house. What was the point of the
plates being given (then taken away) if they weren’t needed in the first place?
I then learned that there were
varied accounts of the first vision: Joseph at different ages, some with only
one being, some with no beings, some with a wrestle with Satan, some without,
and some with the Lord only telling him he’d been forgiven of his sins. I have
had a number of spiritual experiences in my life and I can tell you that
although I’m sure the little details have “evolved” the big stuff has not. To
me seeing God and/or Christ is pretty big stuff, wrestling with Satan – big,
being told that you will start a new religion by God – huge! If they really
happened how could these revelations have been so confused?
So after much prayer and soul
searching I finally came to the conclusion that the Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter Day Saints was not the one true church I had always been taught it was.
I then began to view the current church and the early church in two different
lights. I still had a love for the current church and knew it had evolved since
the early prophets but could I accept a church that was not true but that I
felt was still good? Was there enough good in the current church to overlook
the sins of it’s past?
I realized I needed to learn more
about the church I had devoted my life to: the current LDS church.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
The Final Deal Breakers...
I had come to accept that the
beginnings of the church were not as taught in Gospel Doctrine, that what I had
once “known” was false, and that there were many things that I didn’t know but
couldn’t bring myself to research because I was (and am) determined not to be bitter
toward the church that helped make me who I am today. I needed to come to terms
with the current church to decide whether my continued attendance was wise or
if I should spend my time (and my family’s) on a more worthy cause. I didn’t
know if I could follow John Dehlin’s
advice and be an active member despite this new information. As
he argues the church is still good, so even if it may not be true, one can
still benefit from active participation.
The problem was I didn’t feel good,
I struggled to keep my mouth shut when we were taught that only through Joseph
Smith would we be allowed into heaven, when learning of Brigham Young there
wasn’t even a brief mention of his plural wives or racist attitudes, or when
hearing about how polygamy was necessary because of all the widows (there were
more men than women who made it across the plains). I struggled when I would
hear the lessons Jay was taught and hated fighting him before church because he
didn’t feel comfortable going. I hated that Davin and I were suddenly on the
outside looking in and the inside wasn’t as beautiful as we were constantly
taught. More than anything I was noticing an overwhelming feeling of peace in
our home and family the further we got from the church. We did not experience
the wrath of God we were always taught would come to those who strayed, in fact
we felt the opposite; our family was happier, our marriage was better, and it
felt like a massive weight we didn’t know was there had been lifted. We no
longer felt the burden of “Be ye perfect” or “endure to the end” we could
suddenly determine our own destiny and no longer had to follow a “cookie
cutter” approach to who we were supposed to be. We finally had taken the
opportunity to follow our own conscience and to live a higher law of morality –
to do something because we feel it is right, not because we have been told it
is right.
I was still torn because I had such
strong roots in the church and I knew if I decided to leave I would have to be
honest with my family. I was pregnant and blessing the baby was becoming an
issue, I didn’t want drama during a time that I wanted so badly to enjoy. This
was my last pregnancy, my last delivery, my last baby, more than anything I
wanted to cherish every second of it. Having the elephant in the room as to why
Davin wasn’t blessing him was more than I wanted to deal with so I knew if I
was going to leave the church I needed to make my decision quickly. I wanted to
give everyone time to deal with the knowledge that Davin and I had decided to
“leave the fold” before I had the baby. Hopefully over a few
months things would have time to settle before I had him. Most importantly, the
emotional rollercoaster that we had been on for over a year would end.
I am also not someone who is
deceitful or dishonest and feel that the only way to have good relationships is
through open and honest ties. So I knew I would have to tell my family the
truth. In doing so, I understood that I would most likely be ostracized and
possibly disowned. Not to mention adding to my parents stress with everything
that was going on at the time. I needed to make sure that I had made a solid
decision, that it was for the right reasons, and be confident enough in that
decision to face whatever repercussions that I might face.
I began to catalog what I thought
was good about the church. I liked that they encouraged giving and helped many
through humanitarian aid. I liked that the church promoted family and encouraged
parents to put their family first. I liked the support system found within the
church and found comfort that that support was virtually everywhere. Most of
all the values and morals the church instills in each member I feel are
generally positive and promote wise choices and good living. I needed to know
if these major points were the same from the inside as they are so widely
publicized on the outside.
First: humanitarian aid. What a
beautiful experience it is to feel that you’re helping someone in need. We have
been taught that “inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these my
brethren, ye have done it unto me”. Paying tithing had always been automatic to
me, it was never a struggle or a burden, I loved thinking that I was helping
those who really needed help. That through the church I was making a
difference. I remember hearing conference reports that would mention the
hundreds of millions of dollars the church had donated to humanitarian
services. So I decided to look into it.
According to the 2009 Welfare
Services Fact Sheet released by the church there was $327.6
million in cash donations and $884.6 million in value of material assistance
given to humanitarian efforts from 1985-2009 (24 years). In the 2008 Welfare
Services Fact Sheetthe church donated $282.3 million in cash and
$833.6 million in material assistance. When you do the math that means in one
year the church donated $45.3 million in cash and $51 million in assistance.
Seems pretty impressive, until you look at some of the other projects the
church is funding. For example, the Salt Lake City City Creek
Center is costing the church $1 million a day and is expected
to cost from $4-8 billion. In just a year (assuming they were working 5 days a
week, 52 weeks a year) the church would have paid $260 million toward a mall –
more than twice that of the total humanitarian aid given (much of which is
“material assistance” ie donated clothing from DI, hygiene kits, etc.). Being
in the scouting program I knew how tight our ward budget was and I didn’t
understand how a ward that brought in so much tithing money couldn’t afford to
provide the basic necessities for our 40+ cub scouts. All that money was being
sent to church headquarters to go to a mall? Then I learned of
the new hotel in Hawaii the church funded (at over $30 million) to replace an
older hotel owned by the church. Not because it was ever at capacity, but
because they were embarrassed to have general authorities stay
there. Christ slept where ever he could find a place to rest, are the General
Authorities better than he?
I also learned: that members of the
Seventy received a stipend from the church, that the church uses service
missionaries (who are paying to serve a mission) to maintain
a private hunting
reserve for the privileged to pay $1200-$8500 per permit to go
shoot God’s creatures for sport, that people were coerced into donating large
sums toward “Prop 8”, that there are more homeless gay kids in Utah per capita
than anywhere in the US because their LDS families couldn’t bear to have them
around, and that the church is laying off masses of people during a recession
who then don’t qualify for unemployment then replacing their positions with
“callings”. The list just doesn’t end, once again Pandora’s box was opened and
there was no ignoring it.
After learning about these things I
felt abused. This was a shock and I didn’t want to accept that once again, I
had been taught one thing only to have it so completely wrong in reality. Did I
really want to know more? (no) Could I feel justified in going to church but
not paying tithing? (maybe?) Was this solid enough information to cut my ties
to the church forever? (in short yes). However, I am still learning things on a
weekly basis that solidify that decision and give me comfort in finding the
truth for myself.
Now I needed to tell my family.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Intermission...
I am taking a brief intermission in
my story to share this but there will be another post coming soon to continue
the story. You might notice that “anonymous” had posted a comment on my
previous post and deleted it. This person was very bold in their comment,
however, after posting and deleting the comment 5 times (yep… 5!) and staying
up until all hours of the night they were not bold enough to keep it posted,
nor provide their name so I could address them personally. I feel like this
comment needs to be addressed since I’m sure many people reading my blog feel
very similarly so here is the comment and my reply:
Honestly, it is simply the most
generic form of anti-mormon literature available. None of it is valid
information, and the power of the Holy Ghost will confirm that, if a sincere
prayer is offered. Most of the information sited can easily be discredited, in
some cases even by the original author(s). It is apparent that the ideals and
values asked to be upheld by Church members were simply too much and you chose
to no longer follow it. Your short term peace that has come to you and your
family is not a reward based on your choice, but can be compared to a suicidal
person which has finally committed to the act, sees a way out, and is once
again happy of the prospect of death and ending their grief. In addition,
instead of quietly walking away and accepting responsibility for your choice to
turn your back on the Gospel, you are publically denouncing the true Church of
Jesus Christ, probably not thinking about potential eternal judgements. Chosing
for yourself is one thing, but your children, and publically publishing false
works on your blog is another. Keep in mind, that if anyone who may be waivering
and falters because of your words or "research" and publically
displayed works will envoke a swift and powerful judgement against you.
(Anonymous)
Wowser! Thems are fightn’ words!
But, in all fairness this is the most generic of True Blue Mormon replies. In
fact, two years ago that would have been close to my exact response (minus the
suicide thing, seriously, how insensitive!). Ok, mine would have been a little
more “loving” but then again this post obliviously upset “Anonymous” who then
gave a very typical response. I don’t know if this person was personally
offended by my story or if posting facts that the church does not refute (I put
the links in the posts for a reason, to allow people to see my references and
see that I was not looking at “anti-mormon” literature) or maybe this person is
finding themselves where I was with a doubting spouse and a possibly upsetting
future. No matter their situation they were upset, so upset the post was put up
and deleted 5 times over a 1.5 hour time frame.
First, it is valid information.
Please, look at the links I provided – if you don’t trust my research look for
yourself at http://maxwellinstitute.byu.edu/ an
apologetics site that “defends” most all of the issues I have posted in my
blog. Or if you don’t trust the internet read “Rough Stone Rolling” by Richard
Bushman (one of the primary editors of the Joseph Smith papers and leading LDS
Historian of Joseph Smith) it talks about the multiple versions of the First
Vision, his polyandry, his polygamy, translating the BOM with his face in a
hat, counterfeiting money, destroying printing presses, etc. Evenhttp://familysearch.org acknowledges
Joseph’s many wives and the resulting confusion of parentage for the children
of his polyandrous relations.
Second, I did pray.
They were some of the most sincere and heartfelt prayers I’ve ever offered. The
answer I got was that everything would be ok, the same thing our bishop told us
when we talked to him, and what I can now comfortably tell the world. Everything
is ok.
Ironically I used to think that
people left the church only left for the reason stated “It is apparent that the
ideals and values asked to be upheld by Church members were simply too much and
you chose to no longer follow it.” I know nothing I say here will make you
think otherwise, because I was once just as close minded as “anonymous” but
rest assured my family and I have not changed our lifestyle. I still don’t
watch rated R movies, we don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs, etc. More
importantly we DO spend quality time together, try to help those in need,
donate to worthy causes, serve people around us and look for opportunities to
volunteer our time and efforts to those who need it. (And we don’t have any
addictions to caffeine, cough...cough ;) ).
I refuse to address the suicide
comment as I think suicide is tragic and should not be spoken of so lightly.
As for publicly denouncing the “True
Church” I am doing no such thing. I am posting my story for those interested to
read as most anyone who knows me has assumed what my story is but no one knew
the truth. I needed a release, I needed to have a place to put my story so if
someone did want to know they could find out. Yes, there are some upsetting
things in it and I have made a special effort to warn the reader in advance
when there may be controversial issues. I have shared my experience, how I
felt, and my resulting decision. What others do with this is up to them as an
individual. If they would like to dismiss my story as “anonymous” did they are
welcome to. If they are interested in learning more I have provided some links
(once again most all are LDS approved sites). If all they gain
from my blog posts is a better understanding at what transpired over the last
year at the “end of the street” then I have met my goal. Believe it or not I am
not trying to affect others’ testimonies; however, I have come to terms that
through this I may. But for someone who is going through what I have gone
through I also want to let you know there is hope, there is light at the end of
the tunnel, and there is a beautiful life waiting.
The fear that is so apparent in
this comment is understandable, as I once was full of that same fear. It is
terrifying that the simple act of loud laughter could cause a reprimand from
God. I couldn’t imagine what would happen if I sincerely questioned “His”
belief system. There is a quote that has given me the courage to follow the
path I have chosen it reads: “The beginning of wisdom is found in
doubting; by doubting we come to the question, and by seeking we may come upon
the truth.” (Pierre Abelard) I no longer feel that fear and am
comfortable with who I am.
As for the “swift and powerful
judgment” I will take what comes, but personally I believe in a loving and fair
God. If the apologists at http://maxwellinstitute.byu.edu/ andhttp://www.fairlds.org/ haven’t met their
judgment yet (as their articles have led MANY a questioner to research their
own religion more, find the scary facts, then leave the church) I’m sure He
will outstretch His loving hand to a girl that needed to release her inner
workings and story to the world in hopes that some love and understanding may
result instead of the “swift and powerful judgment” given by her peers. I also
think that that same loving God might be reserving his judgment for truly bad
people – abusers, rapists, murderers, those that commit genocide, and those in
power that spread hate and intolerance.
I hope you keep reading “anonymous”
and that you will find it in your heart to finish my story… maybe your judgment
won’t be so swift to the thousands of people, who like me, found a truth for
themselves and decided to live their lives according to their own moral
compass. There is a huge community of former Mormons that is growing daily who
all need a little compassion and understanding; even a little validation would
do wonders. Many of these people are bitter and hurt, they no longer see any
good in the church because of the intolerance of the church and it’s members (I
still do). Thank you for your comment and the courage it took for you to almost post
it, I’m sure it was a very emotional experience for you.
I am not close minded, I am not so
arrogant to say I have all the answers, and I am still open to whatever truth I
find. Please, feel free to comment, opening a line of dialogue is another
purpose of this blog. I encourage anyone to reply whether positive or negative
(however I do reserve the right to delete any hateful or unproductive comments
on either side). Please feel free to refute any of my conclusions; I encourage
anyone to bring up evidence contrary to that which I have found. Thank you to
those who have been encouraging and positive, you have bolstered me up when I
have needed some extra motivation to continue this process. Most of all thank
you for continuing to read and show interest, I have been surprised at the
number of people interested in my story. Oh, and “anonymous” I’d be willing to
address any of your other concerns either in person, via email, or through this
blog. I am genuinely open to any future communication you would like to have.
My story will continue with a new
post tomorrow, until then please feel free to share your comments.
With that in mind, I have chosen
two specific points in which your information is not as accurate or as widely
accepted as you may think. First, I will address Mark William Hofmann. You
mentioned the “Salamander Letter”. Based on your age, I am guessing that you
are too young to know of the truth behind Hoffman, or are simply looking over
the truth to appease your choice. True, he was a talented and brilliant artist.
He was highly skilled in forgeries of many historical documents which gained
worldwide attention, providing documents including signatures from George
Washington, John Adams, John Quincy Adams, John Brown, Daniel Boone, Andrew
Jackson, Mark Twain, Nathan Hale, Francis Scott Key, Abraham Lincoln, Paul
Revere, and even Emily Dickinson. This ability provided him with a lavish
lifestyle, a large Murray, Utah home, new sports car (Toyota MR2 Turbo), and
genuine first edition books, but he soon began to leave beyond his means. The
threat of his debts crashing in on him caused him to begin to become sloppy in
his work, eventually causing his demise. He began pursuing the production of
the “McLellin Collection” and the “Salamander Letter”. The “Salamander Letter”
was accepted as potentially being true based on the mythical reference to a
salamander as a creature being “able to live in fire”, thus the term being used
as a descriptive term and supported the description Joseph Smith “saw a bright
light that descended upon him”. Upon purchase of the letter, to document its
authenticity, extensive forensic studies were completed and it was discovered
that the incorrect ink had been used. This was determined by the FBI, SLCPD, as
well as an independent Arizona based document examiner. Once he learned that
his works were being questioned, Hofmann turned to violence in an attempt to
silence the opposition. He created 3 bombs of which 2 were mailed killing each
of the targets; Steven Christensen, and Kathy Sheets. The third exploded
prematurely inside Hoffman’s MR2, leaving him paralyzed. His home was searched
and a semi-automatic assault rifle modified to fire fully automatic was
discovered along with bomb making materials in his basement. He was federally
indicted on forgery, weapons charges, as well as murder and is currently serving
in the Utah State Prison. While in prison, Hofmann attempted suicide by
overdosing on antidepressants and was not found for over 12 hours. In that
time, pressure of his body weight was placed on his right arm causing a lack of
blood flow ultimately atrophying his arm, leaving it permanently disabled,
without the ability to ever forge again.
I am well aware of Mark Hofmann and
his forgeries. I chose not to go into detail of the Salamander letters because
although damaging to the church and many testimonies at the time, it was not a
major factor of what ultimately led to my decision.
You did fail to mention that Mark
Hoffman met with many leaders of the church, including President Hinkley, who
purchased his forgeries. How was it they didn't use the power of discernment
when meeting with him and using tithing money to purchase at least 445
documents. You also failed to mention that the church had the McLellin
collection (a collection of 19th century papers and journals believed to be
damaging to the church) in their possession (unbeknownst to them in the first
Presidency vault) before paying Hofmann $185,000 for the ones he claimed to
have. (You can find all this information and more in "Victims: The LDS
Church and the Mark Hofmann case" written by Richard Turley)
I don't see how this is a testimony
building story. Please help me understand since this is not the first time it
has been brought up to me by a believing member.
I know we have differing opinions
about hunting, but I want to give you some information about Deseret Land and
Livestock where they sell permits for hunting...My friend Leslie got a permit
last year and was able to harvest a beautiful elk and now has enough meat to
feed her family for the rest of the year. As a stay-at-home mom she wants to
become more self sufficient and was happy to be able to contribute to her
family's needs. Anyway, Deseret Land and Livestock is one of 50 church owned
farms that has over 8,000 head of cattle which is used for the Church Welfare
program. The elk population was getting out of hand, so they decided to sell
permits to keep it in control, which makes the heard as a whole healthier.
While I'm here, I just have to say
that I don't feel like a "cookie-cutter" person :)
Andrea, although I could write a
number of blog posts on my opinion of hunting that wasn’t my major issue with
what I found in the article I posted. I think we may also be talking about two
different enterprises of the church. If you read the Deseret News article that
I linked to in my post they mention that the church has a number of for profit
private hunting reserves run by service missionaries. My issues with that are
numerous but the primary issues I took upon first reading the article was that
those couples were paying to be on a mission and the church assigned them to
work at a for profit reserve instead of creating a paying job for someone in
need. Not only are the reserves for profit but they charge a substantial fee
making the reserve not for the needy but for the wealthy that desire to hunt
for sport. According to a handful of prophets and apostles including George Q
Cannon, Lorenzo Snow, and Joseph F Smith hunting for sport is not acceptable
and hunting should only be tolerated to feed one’s family.
"We should by every means in
our power impress upon the rising generation the value of life and how dreadful
a sin it is to take life. The lives of animals even should be held far more
sacred than they are. Young people should be taught to be very merciful to the
brute creation and not to take life wantonly or for sport. The practice of
hunting and killing game merely for sport should be frowned upon and not
encouraged among us. God has created the fowls and the beasts for man's
convenience and comfort and for his consumption at proper times and under
proper circumstances; but he does not justify men in wantonly killing those
creatures which He has made and with which He has supplied the earth."
Gospel Truth, Vol. 1, p.30 – George
Q Cannon
In my opinion the duplicity in this
was a little too glaring for me to accept.
Thank you for sharing Leslie’s
experience and for giving me the chance to clarify my feelings on the subject.
I really do appreciate your comment and the thoughtfulness with which you
posted.
Actually, I do want to say a little
more...I think that The Church is really smart in selling hunting rights. If
you have an overpopulation of animals they are going to do better if you thin
the heard. You can either pay someone to come and get rid of them or you can
have people who are willing to pay to come and get rid of them, from a business
standpoint the latter is a much smarter decision. The prices that they charge
are very comparable and possibly even cheaper than other hunting reserves. The
Church is a very smart business and knows how to sustain their properties and
investments. If you can charge people for hunting, you can feed and care for
your cattle on the ranch with the money and be more self-sustaining.
The Church shouldn't judge people
for their intentions for hunting whether it be for meat or sport. People have
their own agency and can choose to do what they want, it's not up to The Church
to police their actions.
I didn't know that people go on
missions to the church's hunting sights but to each his own, I know that my
husband would be thrilled at the chance to serve a mission at one of those
places and I would whole heartedly stand next to him and be willing to pay to
do it, if that's where we were called to go. People are very different and I
think the Lord is wise enough to send couples to these missions who would be
thrilled to go.
I do agree that it is good business
practice for a cattle ranch to sell hunting permits for an overpopulated herd.
But once again we are talking about two very different enterprises - their ranches
vrs the private hunting reserves.
And yes, I think it's wise to
lovingly agree to disagree as we will and should on most every aspect of the
church.
You’re awesome Janea! I’m amazed at
how open you’re willing to be, especially when obviously dealing with such a
sensitive subject. I think it’s great that you’re putting your story out there
and I hope that everyone, other than this one nameless individual, can continue
to approach this blog in the same considerate manner. As far as my opinion
goes…
It seems that it’s commonly
preached that there are only three possible reasons for leaving the church: 1.
We’ve been offended, 2. We’re too lazy (can’t handle church demands), or 3. A
strong desire to sin (or existing sin). True believing mormon’s can’t fathom
the 4th option which is what I’ve found to be the most common. 4. Integrity demands
it.
I now have a testimony that the
church is not true. Denying that fact and teaching my children otherwise
(despite my beliefs) for the sake of social graces; would frankly make me a
lesser person. Going back to basics is not going to help anything once you know
“the basics” was a lie in the first place. Nor is the intolerant fear mongering
that this individual is so happy to preach. I’m not going to judge anyone based
on their religious beliefs, as I know everyone’s journey is different; but I do
hold strongly to my opinion. My opinion is that Hinckley was being
intentionally facetious in the below quote.
"Well, we have nothing to
hide. Our history is an open book. They may find what they are looking for, but
the fact is the history of the church is clear and open and leads to faith and
strength and virtues."
Hinckley ~ Dec. 25, 2005 interview
with The Associated Press
I’ve always had a very high opinion
of Gordon B. Hinckley and I’m sure I always will. But the church has a lot to
hide and they invest of a lot of their resources keeping anything hidden that
doesn’t qualify as “faith promoting.” I believe that the church is doing itself
a disservice in doing this, because if I was not blindsided with so much of
this information I may have found a way to accept it. As it is, we were forced
to accept the reality of the situation and let go of the cognitive dissonance
that made my head spin for years.
I did not post all of the comments from other
posts in this compilation, if you'd like to read other comments you can go back
to the original posts and read them there. I felt many of these comments were helpful in telling the story as it helps expand some of the points I
mentioned in my post. It is also an interesting side note that all of
these posts are from my family members and as I later found out anonymous was a
close family member that I had once held in very high regard.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Bombs Away...
I internalize everything. I am not
someone who “talks out” my issues. I think them over, research, weigh the pros
and cons, asses my feelings, and then come to a conclusion. During this process
I am very quiet about what is on my mind and don’t reveal my inner workings
until I have come to a conclusion. Thankfully Davin is similar and understands my
need for space when I’m mulling something over. So while I was researching the
church Davin and I wouldn’t talk about the issues until I had come to a
conclusion on a subject. I would then bring it up and find out what his opinion
was. It was very freeing to be able to open a subject up and explore it
together, most of the time I found we had come to the same conclusion (although
often we had looked at very different sources).
Neither of our families had any
idea that we were leaning away from the church, they were all under the
assumption that we were still faithful members. No one in
either family knew anything until we told them we were out. I
regret this, as it was a huge bomb to drop at their feet and a lot to expect
them to ingest in one fell swoop. It was unfair of us not to allude to
anything, however, we did not hide our struggle… it just wasn’t approached. As
someone who internalizes things it was against my nature to talk to my family
until I had already made a decision. I also didn’t want to affect anyone else’s
testimony and I knew (first hand) how damaging this information was. I thought
I had an unbreakable testimony, that I would be “a tower of strength to those
who are weak” (yep, that was in my patriarchal blessing) and couldn’t imagine ever
leaving the church. How could a tower of strength show weakness? Only evil
people left the church! How could anyone inside the church understand without
me damaging their “unbreakable” faith?
Davin felt he needed to tell his
mom where he stood with the church before I had made a firm decision and I
agreed. She has always been a faithful member in her heart and has tried to
pass that faith on to her sons. Although she has never felt at home in a ward
setting Cindy has always impressed me with the conviction she holds dear and
with her example of Christ like love and service. Davin was very firm in his
standing and felt strongly that he needed to be honest with his mom so he sat
her down and broke the news. I was taking care of the boys in another room for most
all of the discussion but was able to make it in near the end. She had tears in
her eyes but more than anything there was love and understanding radiating from
her. She asked if my family knew and I explained that I was still on the fence
but that they didn’t know anything. We all talked for a few minutes then she
gave us each a very warm hug, told us that no matter what she loves us and will
always be there for us, encouraged us not to be bitter, and that was that. We
never really spoke religion with Davin’s family and still don’t but the air is
clear and everyone’s ok.
Around early March of 2010 I had
made a decision, I needed to leave the LDS church and I needed to tell my
family. I was due in July and wanted the air to clear before my delivery. I decided
I did want him to be blessed for traditions sake and was sure my dad would
gladly bless our new baby. Most of all I wanted to tell them in person (they
live in NM) and they were coming up in April so I had determined to tell them
then. My cousin was getting married that weekend but it was a very quick trip
and we didn’t see them much so timing was difficult. I didn’t want to tell them
before the events and ruin her special day which left the night they slept here
on their way home to break the news. We also had some other major family drama
happen shortly before they came up so I was struggling with whether to tell
them at all, I knew this was going to be huge and really didn’t want to add to
their stress. I was so torn but honesty is such an important
part of who I am that I knew I needed to tell the truth with our situation.
That night they didn’t arrive until
late. They were tired and I still had kids to put to sleep, so Davin and I
rushed to get the boys to sleep and hoped we’d be able to catch my parents
before they crashed for the night. I had intended to give them each a letter
(the same one I sent everyone), let them read it, then come in to talk. My
plans were dashed very quickly when I found out mom had taken out her contacts
for the night and dad had an eye infection or something that made it hard for
him to read at the time. So, with a knot in my stomach with what I feared would
result in revealing this to my parents, I sat them down and told them I had
something to say. I explained that I wanted to read them a letter then I’d like
to talk to them about it. Davin was in the other room while I read the letter,
as I wanted to confront them alone. So I began to read:
There is no easy way to start a
letter such as the one I am about to attempt so I am not going to do so gently
or eloquently. In short, I have decided to leave the church. This has been a
very personal decision and one I have not made lightly. I apologize for the
horrific timing, the suddenness, and blunt manner of this revelation but out of
love and respect for you I don’t feel it’s wise that I keep this from you any
longer. Although it may seem sudden to you this has been a very long process
filled with study, prayer, and contemplation. However, in the end the result is
a loss of my once strong testimony of Joseph Smith and the truthfulness of the
gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I still have a
strong testimony of Jesus Christ, of His life, the atonement, and the
resurrection. I whole heartedly believe that families can be together forever
if they are bound by love, are faithful, and try their hardest to live as
Christ would have them do. I believe in the power of faith, prayer and the
miracles that happen when true faith and earnest prayer are offered to a loving
Heavenly Father. I believe that we are surrounded by truth and beauty and that
we need only to open our eyes, minds, and hearts to it. I believe that all
religion has truth and I intend to seek that truth out and teach my family all
that I find. I still have a great love for the church and for the amazing
people in it. I believe that the Prophet and Apostles are good men who are
inspired and who are doing their best to guide the members of the church to
eternal glory. I just don’t believe you have to be a member to gain that
eternal glory, nor do I believe that all members will gain that despite the
callings they may have held.
This decision is not an easy one to make, I have
measured the consequences and they have heavily weighed on me but in the end it
is more important for me to be true to myself than to have others think highly
of me. I believe it is also a very important lesson for me to teach my children
as I think that being true to yourself is more important than other people’s
perception of you.
I assure you, I have not been offended by anyone in the
church, nor have I ever had a better ward & neighborhood. We have been
welcomed with open arms and have loved this area since before we moved in. Nor
have I decided to leave the church because it requires us to live a higher law,
I intend to continue living a higher law – that of my own conscience instead of
something that is dictated. I’m sure many people will criticize me saying I am
taking the “easy way out”, and I assure you – this is not easy,
nor is it a way out.
The hardest question to answer and the one I am sure you
are asking is “Why?”. Although I have many answers to that question it is not
something I feel I can answer because I don’t want to be responsible for the
loss of another’s testimony. It sounds like a “cop out” answer but I mourn the
loss of my innocent testimony and don’t want to inflict that on another. In
short, there are parts of the church (past and present) that I cannot agree
with and refuse to ignore.
I love you and hope you will respect this decision
but understand and respect that you might not agree with it. Although, it has
been a journey I have travelled alone it is one that Davin has travelled
alongside me and we have come out the other side in agreement that this is best
for us and our family. I found a quote not long ago that reads: “When you come
to the end of everything you know… and the next step is into the darkness of
the great unknown… you must believe one of two things. Either you will step out
onto firm ground or you will be taught to fly.” The church was everything I’ve
ever known, it has made me who I am today; now that I have left that behind and
travelled through the darkness of the unknown I have found myself to be on firm
ground, where I am more content with who I am, where I am at peace with my
life, and where I can see a very bright future ahead of me and my family and
hopefully, where I will be taught to fly.
With nothing but love and respect, Janea
By the second sentence my mom
turned off. She began to stare at the wall in front of her and didn’t respond
to most anything during what followed. My dad looked shocked and confused but
tried to talk to us and find out what brought this on. He wanted to know
details and specific issues. He was very calm and tried to have a positive and
open conversation about what I had found and where I now stood. At some point
Davin came in a quietly sat next to me to offer his presence as some support.
I explained that Joseph Smith was
the primary issue for me, especially his polygamous affairs. I did not agree
that marrying 14 year olds after sending their only family away and telling
them their salvation was at stake was commanded by God. We talked for a while,
with dad sharing some of his ideas and admitting that my mom has struggled with
the concept of polygamy also.
At one point my mom left with her
cell phone, returned after a while and accused one of my old friends of causing
my apostasy. I was upset and retaliated by telling her that I thought it was
really sad that she hadn’t let an old grudge go. She came back with telling me
it was sad that her pregnant daughter was sitting there with her innocent boys
in their rooms and I was ruining our future (something to that extent).
I took the opportunity to then ask
my dad if he would bless Luke since Davin wouldn't be able to. I also explained
that we had talked to Jayden who encouraged and supported our decision to not
go to church anymore. After some more conversation with my dad I told them that
I’d let them get some sleep and we left.
I got my pajamas on, emailed the
same letter to the remainder of my family, then went back to give my parents a
hug and tell them that no matter my decision I still love and respect them.
Unfortunately the door was shut, the lights were off, and I didn’t have the
courage to knock, instead thinking things would be better in the morning.
That opportunity never came; they
woke early, packed their bags, and left without saying goodbye. There wasn’t
even a note and I was heartbroken.
Monday, April 11, 2011
An explanation...
I need to explain, my parents
aren’t bad people, in fact they’re very good people. They reacted in the same
way most LDS parents would (and do) react to their children
when apostasy, major sins, or same gender attractions are revealed. We were
taught in the church that parents are responsible for their child’s actions and
my dad fully believes that each of his children’s sins will hang over his head
during his judgment. So not only were they reacting to my apostasy, they were
also absorbing the information in a self-preservation mode. It was a lot to
deal with and in a very sudden manner, their fight or flight response was
activated and they chose flight. I understand that had I remained in the church
I might have acted similarly in the event one of my children left the church
and as such have accepted their actions, although I hope I might have handled
it better.
We have exchanged a few emails and
had a few conversations about my feelings but for the most part the topic is
generally avoided. My dad and I have seemed to salvage a relationship out of
the mess that occurred and are getting to the point that we can enjoy a
conversation without the feeling of something looming. My mom and I haven’t and
our weekly conversations have been eliminated but I hope that someday she’ll
accept me and decide to love me despite her opinion of my decision. On the same
note I hope that someday I can get over the hurt and anger that her reaction caused
and have the courage to try to initiate the healing process again.
For the most part neighbors and
friends have been very loving and accepting. We have agreed that anyone who
would like to visit may and as such have the occasional home/visiting teachers
come by. As long as they respect us and remain civil they will always be
welcome. There have also been some very unkind and hurtful comments that I have
to laugh at and don’t allow to bother me. Some of my favorites are: I have been
told that there’s a dark cloud over my house (despite my beautifully blooming
yard), in a surprised voice “Your house has a really good feeling in it”, and
the common “Are you doing this to be a supportive spouse?”.
Many “Post-Mormons” are terrified
to “come out” and tell their families and friends because of the common
reactions of intolerance, blame, and condemnation, instead hiding their
opinions and new lives. This option was available to me but I never gave it
much consideration, like I said before I am a very honest person (sometimes to
a fault) and couldn’t imagine living a lie, plus we had a baby being born so it
wasn’t something we could hide for long. Some days, I do wish I could have
stomached this option. It would be much easier to have continued on, allowing my
family to assume what they will instead of being given the “silent treatment”,
potentially being disowned, and having any trust that was once there evaporate
in the time it took to hit “send”. My only hope is that someday they’ll
overcome their bias and understand that my family and I are still the great
people we always have been and that being an active member of the church does
not make you better than anyone else.
As I mentioned the “Post-Mormons”
are many and thankfully we have been able to meet quite a few families in a
very similar situation. My ignorance has been eliminated as I once thought that
only people who wanted to sin, couldn’t handle the “lifestyle”, and who weren’t
strong and faithful members left the church. Instead I have met people who had
incredible faith; a bishops wife, a second counselor, a young wife who
volunteered to help with conference transcripts, all local and all who found
similar information and had the courage to question their “truth”. Within 1
month this local group grew from 14 adult individuals to over 35, there was no
recruitment, no missionaries, no coercion, just people who found the truth and
reached out online to those who have gone before. You can meet these people and
more at PostMormon.org. In general
they are a loving and open group who understand the hurt, anger, and fear that
comes with leaving one’s belief system. I have learned much from their examples
(good and bad).
Many people who leave the church
become Atheist or Agnostic, and a few convert to another religion. I now
consider myself Agnostic but with Christian leanings. I don't want to affiliate
myself with a religion or define myself by one. I now understand that the Bible
wasn’t what I was taught but I still believe it to be mostly inspired writings.
I believe that Christ came to Earth and changed it permanently, he taught us to
love unconditionally, to forgive all, and to serve those around us. I still
cling to those teachings and teach them to my children. Jay and I talk about
Christ daily and Ike has begun to participate, I love those teaching moments
and opportunities. I do still try to see the good in the church and understand
why it is such a major part of so many lives. I believe the prophets and apostles
to be mostly good men that are trying their best to lead millions to God. I
don’t agree with many of their tactics and find that many of their teachings
either contradict what was said before or put an unrealistic burden on the
members to do more, be better, and give more. What I’ve learned for myself is
that “What’s good about the church isn’t unique, and what’s unique about the
church isn’t true”.
One common theme about the
“PostMo’s” is an almost unquenchable thirst for knowledge. Most continue to
research the church long after they leave, finding problem, after
inconsistency, after horrific historical action. I have tried to channel this
thirst to more productive measures reading positive books, listening to pod
casts, educating myself about other religions, gardening, immersing myself in
my projects and learning about better parenting techniques. I have done this in
a very conscience effort to avoid being bitter toward the church and feel I
have succeeded.
Many people have been offended by
this blog and I apologize for any hurt feelings. In one last defense I would
like to put you in my shoes for just one minute. Let’s pretend you decided to
leave your spouse. This spouse had been extremely unfaithful and has lived a
double life unbeknownst to you. One day you came upon a mass amount of
evidence, so much that you couldn’t stomach looking through all of it – there
was no question that your spouse had been lying to you ever since you first
met. You knew in your heart you needed to leave and find the courage do finally
so. You tell your family and friends that you are leaving and although some
were loving most turned their backs and ignored your need to be validated. Most
assumed that you wanted to go sleep around or live a life of sin instead of having
the “burden” of a marriage and family to weigh you down. Your spouse told all
your family members as much and they didn't think they had a reason not to
believe him/her as they have always trusted that person. After a year and a
thousand assumptions you wonder why no one has asked your side of the story.
Would you not get sick of being called a sinner and want to have your story be
heard? Could you be fine with “I found some stuff and my spouse wasn’t who they
pretended to be” even though you knew they didn't believe you? I couldn’t.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Moving On...
I am now moving on, this story was
the final thing holding me back. I have now set my story free and can hopefully
put the upset and hurt behind me. I understand many who read this story will
not believe it and may even ridicule me for it, but it is true and their
opinion does not change what happened. I did not go looking for a reason to
leave the LDS church; I was looking for the truth to help those I love and
found answers I did not think existed. Those answers had not been taught to me
as had other church history, they had been conveniently hidden. The LDS church
does not deny the issues I found most troubling, they just normally don’t
address it. To steal a quote “I don’t have a problem believing something that
cannot be proven, what I have is a problem believing something that can be
disproven.” However, I honestly believe that had this all been taught to me
originally I would still be a content member of the LDS faith.
My family and I now enjoy our
Sundays together, instead of filling them with meetings that keep us separate.
We enjoy going for walks, hiking, dreaming, having scavenger hunts, playing,
and otherwise spending quality time together. We all look forward to Sundays
and enjoy them as our “Family Fun Day”. With the hectic weeks our modern lives
now lead with school, work, volunteering, more school, and still more work not much
time is left to spend together as a family; we now have an entire day set aside
for it. This has been a wonderful blessing and our family has benefitted from
it greatly.
I no longer feel a burden to “do
more, be more, and give more”. Instead I do what I can, be who I am, and give
to worthy causes. Davin has taught me to serve without question and to put
others above myself and I’m trying to follow his example and support him in his
efforts. We do our best to balance what we have so as to keep our priorities in
line.
In general life is better than it
ever has been. I am happier with who I am and don’t feel like I need to keep up
appearances for fear of someone looking down on me any longer. I am not afraid
of knowledge or truth and seek it out. I am doing my best to increase my
learning and look forward to my chance at returning to school. I am not afraid
of trying new things, of speaking my mind, or sharing my ideas.
I love that I can say I don’t know
everything and feel that is an admirable quality. I don’t know what the future
holds, I don’t know if there is any true religion, and I don’t
know if man knows of any absolute truth. I believe my life will speak for
itself, that if there is a judgment I will be judged on how I lead my life and
how I treat others not on whether I remember a secret handshake. I believe
that all religion has truth and good and that it is our
responsibility to open our eyes to it. I believe that our family is bound by
love and “what is bound on earth is bound in heaven” so we will be ok. I
believe that Davin and I have a love that cannot be separated by death and as
such will live on through the eternities. I believe that each individual is
responsible for their own lives and that how they live that life is what
ultimately matters. Most of all I believe we each have a right to believe
however and whatever we may and no one should judge or
belittle another because of it.
Thanks for writing what you have
written; it was very enlightening and I found your story quite interesting (you
write well).
I have spoken with Davin briefly on
a few occasions and he has mentioned some of the LDS topics and events he has
studied. I understand and accept misgivings to a lot of strange LDS history,
doctrine and leader opinions.
I am wondering at this point what
you and Davin now believe and what have you rejected as truth? How do you
determine what is truth? Is that even important to you now (I gather that it is
from the feel of your writing)?
You mentioned accepting Christ in
an earlier post. Do you believe in a past existence? What does the future hold
after death? Where does Christ fit into all of this? Is he our brother or God
in mortal form? Do you follow the Niacin Creed (sp) and accept the Trinity as a
form of God or do you see Christ as a separate entity/person?
Assuming I decided to leave the
church myself (I would hope I could do so as intelligently, lovingly, and
gracefully as it seems you have), I wouldn't know where to begin to look for
the "Plan" of God and how I should live towards it. How do you do
this?
Thanks again for writing this, I
look forward to your reply.
Thank you for your kind comments
and questions. Many have not been so considerate. I plan to answer some of your
questions but hesitate to answer all because my opinion is constantly evolving
and “I don’t know” is honestly a genuine answer for many. I cannot answer for
Davin but he may weigh in on a comment of his own. Our conclusions do differ
but the beauty of where we now stand is that frankly, it doesn’t matter and
does not affect our relationship in any way.
It turns out there is a character
limit to the comments so this will be in two posts. Turns out I'm a little long
winded ;).
I struggle with answering your
questions as I have not yet settled on many conclusions. What I have rejected
as truth is simply the LDS church. I believe the church is a fraud but I do see
the importance of it in many lives. Humans by very nature are drawn to religion
and everyone has a need to feel like they’re a part of something greater. I do
believe “the church” teaches some truths and that in general “they” have very
good intentions but I do not find that unique to the LDS church. Defining
“truth” is difficult because I firmly believe that truth is relative to the
individual. What I determine as “truth” is what I believe to be good; it must
resonate within me and be able to withstand considerable scrutiny. Truth will
always be important to me however, I understand that what I view as truth you
may not and I no longer believe either of us is damned because of it.
Christ will always hold an
important part in my life. I can no longer state that I know without a shadow
if a doubt that He was the literal son of God. What I do know is He changed the
world, lived an exemplary life, and gave us many teachings worth living by. I
have not yet tried to “redefine” Christ or His role in my life but I do still
pray “through” Him and teach my children of Him. I also plan to teach my
children of many other notable people from other religions. In short if I
believe it to be good I will research it for myself and teach it to my
children. I do not think limiting one’s knowledge to their own religion is of
benefit as it closes the mind to the many other wonders and positive influences
of the world.
My opinion of God has altered over
this journey and has not yet settled on a singular conclusion. I do know that I
have never believed in the “puppet master” theory where God is a man with a
white beard pulling the strings of our lives. I cannot fathom a God who will
answer the prayers of a local swim team to win a championship while ignoring
the pleas of an abused mother for her dying child because one was from the
“right” religion. I also don’t understand that when someone of faith has a
tragic event in their lives it is considered a trial whereas it is a punishment
for those outside the faith. In short I was taught when I was a very young teen
that God put the laws of nature into motion, which bound Him by those same laws
and allows each of us our agency, then stood back and let things happen as they
will. I lean more toward this conclusion.
As for a pre-mortal or post-mortal
life I don’t know, but I do know that I intend to live my life with courage,
honor, and dignity more because it is right than because it will reward me in
the hereafter. If I am rewarded then I’ll be thankful for the extra bonus.
I do not think that the point of
this life is “knowing His plan” and following it. I believe that the point is
to do the best with what you’re given, to love openly, and to try to make the
world a better place. As the saying goes “the joy is in the journey” and I
intend to embrace every moment of my journey.
The beauty of leaving the church
for the reasons we have is there is an interesting after effect that seems to
happen to all of us (“us” as in similar apostates) and that is an almost
unquenchable thirst for knowledge. Many use this thirst to learn more about the
LDS church and continue to find disturbing facts; others use it to learn more
about the religions they were ignorant to and still others use it to find a
religion to join. I have used it to expand my horizons and have tried not to
focus it entirely on religion. It is a very freeing and positive experience.
I do not think that everyone should
leave the LDS church, I just think they should all know the truth and that the
leaders of the church should be more open and honest about the past and current
dealings of the church. If you were to leave the church and didn’t know where
to “find God” I would suggest looking inward as I believe we all have greatness
within and if you follow what you feel is true and good I honestly don’t feel
like you can go wrong.
Darn, I was hoping for some solid
answers here. "I believe 'blank' because of 'blank'." You pretty much
gave me the same answers that Davin did...not exactly, but similar. So, I guess
you are in a large question phase, admitting that you don't know and probably
will never know?
I whole-heartedly agree with your
statements regarding God putting the laws of nature into motion, and then
standing back and letting things happen. I think that all the things that are
so "horrid" to us here will look very minor in the whole scheme of
things. I also believe the largest meter in which we will be judged will be on
loving our neighbors.
I, on the other hand, am not
comfortable at all with just saying, "I don't know, I have no idea, nor do
I think I can know." While I do know that I don't REALLY know; having something
clear to work from is a huge help.
I do very much understand the
questioning and inquisitiveness about the LDS faith and looking to see if it is
congruent and makes sense. I also understand your line of reasoning and not
accepting the things that don't seem to fit in. That all makes a lot of sense
to me.
So, it sounds to me as if you are
agnostic now? It seems to me, were I to reject some aspects of any faith that I
was once heavily involved in, that I would then find things to be incongruent
with all faiths (or any one faith in particular); and then have to reject those
for the same reasons I rejected my first. For none are completely or even
closely aligned perfectly. They all have the problems of man. Do you see it
that way?
Then it seems to me I would see all
faiths as a total sham and a way to manipulate the masses. I would be
faithless. Do you feel this way at all and if so, how do you deal with that?
Ken, I think you are confusing
“spiritual” with “religious”. To be a person of faith does not mean you need to
be affiliated with a religion. Some of the more spiritual people I know are not
religious but are people of faith who serve others openly and without
restraint, who try to better the world, and who are all around good people. I
am not faithless, but I do not affiliate myself with a religion nor do I ever
plan to. I do not believe any religion has it all right but I do think they are
all good and believe in what they are doing. I understand the innate need for
many people (such as yourself) to be a part of a religion and to define
themselves by that religion. I do not feel that need and love that I do not
have to be defined by a religion, I love and have embraced being “undefined”.
I was not avoiding your questions,
but even you admitted that you do not know but that you have faith in the
foundation of what you believe. When I put that same foundation to some
scrutiny it crumbled before my eyes which forced me to find a different
foundation to rely on. My current standing is simple, it has no qualifications,
no passcodes, no hoops to jump through, and there is nothing that will wither
when put up to scrutiny. My foundation is that of being a good person, living
my life to the fullest and trying to become the best version of myself I can be
while helping others along the way and improving my surroundings. I believe if
I can fulfill that then I will have lived well and if there is a judgment that
I will be held blameless before God. I believe in living a good life because it
is an inalienable truth, it can withstand a barrage of storms, and will never
crumble or wither away.
I am not in a question phase at
all, my questions have been answered and what remains is contentment that life
is good! The view is much clearer from the Other Side of the Fence…
unfortunately, only those on this side will ever see it.
Thank you for reading my story and
opening your mind enough to learn about my journey out of the LDS faith.
It has been 6 months since I decided to open this personal experience to
the world and I have not regretted it. My opinions have continued to
evolve and I anticipate they will throughout the remainder of my life but my
story remains the same. There are so many stories that need to be told,
mine was just one in many, many, thousands this year.
For those who are on their own
journey out of the LDS church I encourage you to be strong and patient. The road you are on is difficult and you will most likely
lose people you care about. I cannot speak for us all but I know I am
much happier, have found a new meaning to life, a new purpose, and do not have
the weight I once had living within the LDS church.
Every person must chose their own
path through this life, and mine will not be the same as yours. But as
our lives intersect and we share a portion of our journey we might just learn
from each other and hopefully, help those whose trails intersect ours for a
while find their way up this mountain we call life. Good luck in your
travels and may you have a journey worth remembering.
I still have a strong testimony of Jesus Christ, of His life, the atonement, and the resurrection. I whole heartedly believe that families can be together forever if they are bound by love, are faithful, and try their hardest to live as Christ would have them do. I believe in the power of faith, prayer and the miracles that happen when true faith and earnest prayer are offered to a loving Heavenly Father. I believe that we are surrounded by truth and beauty and that we need only to open our eyes, minds, and hearts to it. I believe that all religion has truth and I intend to seek that truth out and teach my family all that I find. I still have a great love for the church and for the amazing people in it. I believe that the Prophet and Apostles are good men who are inspired and who are doing their best to guide the members of the church to eternal glory. I just don’t believe you have to be a member to gain that eternal glory, nor do I believe that all members will gain that despite the callings they may have held.
This decision is not an easy one to make, I have measured the consequences and they have heavily weighed on me but in the end it is more important for me to be true to myself than to have others think highly of me. I believe it is also a very important lesson for me to teach my children as I think that being true to yourself is more important than other people’s perception of you.
I assure you, I have not been offended by anyone in the church, nor have I ever had a better ward & neighborhood. We have been welcomed with open arms and have loved this area since before we moved in. Nor have I decided to leave the church because it requires us to live a higher law, I intend to continue living a higher law – that of my own conscience instead of something that is dictated. I’m sure many people will criticize me saying I am taking the “easy way out”, and I assure you – this is not easy, nor is it a way out.
The hardest question to answer and the one I am sure you are asking is “Why?”. Although I have many answers to that question it is not something I feel I can answer because I don’t want to be responsible for the loss of another’s testimony. It sounds like a “cop out” answer but I mourn the loss of my innocent testimony and don’t want to inflict that on another. In short, there are parts of the church (past and present) that I cannot agree with and refuse to ignore.
I love you and hope you will respect this decision but understand and respect that you might not agree with it. Although, it has been a journey I have travelled alone it is one that Davin has travelled alongside me and we have come out the other side in agreement that this is best for us and our family. I found a quote not long ago that reads: “When you come to the end of everything you know… and the next step is into the darkness of the great unknown… you must believe one of two things. Either you will step out onto firm ground or you will be taught to fly.” The church was everything I’ve ever known, it has made me who I am today; now that I have left that behind and travelled through the darkness of the unknown I have found myself to be on firm ground, where I am more content with who I am, where I am at peace with my life, and where I can see a very bright future ahead of me and my family and hopefully, where I will be taught to fly.
With nothing but love and respect,
Janea