The Final Deal Breakers...

I had come to accept that the beginnings of the church were not as taught in Gospel Doctrine, that what I had once “known” was false, and that there were many things that I didn’t know but couldn’t bring myself to research because I was (and am) determined not to be bitter toward the church that helped make me who I am today. I needed to come to terms with the current church to decide whether my continued attendance was wise or if I should spend my time (and my family’s) on a more worthy cause. I didn’t know if I could follow John Dehlin’s advice and be an active member despite this new information. As he argues the church is still good, so even if it may not be true, one can still benefit from active participation.

The problem was I didn’t feel good, I struggled to keep my mouth shut when we were taught that only through Joseph Smith would we be allowed into heaven, when learning of Brigham Young there wasn’t even a brief mention of his plural wives or racist attitudes, or when hearing about how polygamy was necessary because of all the widows (there were more men than women who made it across the plains). I struggled when I would hear the lessons Jay was taught and hated fighting him before church because he didn’t feel comfortable going. I hated that Davin and I were suddenly on the outside looking in and the inside wasn’t as beautiful as we were constantly taught. More than anything I was noticing an overwhelming feeling of peace in our home and family the further we got from the church. We did not experience the wrath of God we were always taught would come to those who strayed, in fact we felt the opposite; our family was happier, our marriage was better, and it felt like a massive weight we didn’t know was there had been lifted. We no longer felt the burden of “Be ye perfect” or “endure to the end” we could suddenly determine our own destiny and no longer had to follow a “cookie cutter” approach to who we were supposed to be. We finally had taken the opportunity to follow our own conscience and to live a higher law of morality – to do something because we feel it is right, not because we have been told it is right.

I was still torn because I had such strong roots in the church and I knew if I decided to leave I would have to be honest with my family. I was pregnant and blessing the baby was becoming an issue, I didn’t want drama during a time that I wanted so badly to enjoy. This was my last pregnancy, my last delivery, my last baby, more than anything I wanted to cherish every second of it. Having the elephant in the room as to why Davin wasn’t blessing him was more than I wanted to deal with so I knew if I was going to leave the church I needed to make my decision quickly. I wanted to give everyone time to deal with the knowledge that Davin and I had decided to “leave the fold” before I had the baby. Hopefully over a few months things would have time to settle before I had him. Most importantly, the emotional rollercoaster that we had been on for over a year would end.

I am also not someone who is deceitful or dishonest and feel that the only way to have good relationships is through open and honest ties. So I knew I would have to tell my family the truth. In doing so, I understood that I would most likely be ostracized and possibly disowned. Not to mention adding to my parents stress with everything that was going on at the time. I needed to make sure that I had made a solid decision, that it was for the right reasons, and be confident enough in that decision to face whatever repercussions that I might face.

I began to catalog what I thought was good about the church. I liked that they encouraged giving and helped many through humanitarian aid. I liked that the church promoted family and encouraged parents to put their family first. I liked the support system found within the church and found comfort that that support was virtually everywhere. Most of all the values and morals the church instills in each member I feel are generally positive and promote wise choices and good living. I needed to know if these major points were the same from the inside as they are so widely publicized on the outside.

First: humanitarian aid. What a beautiful experience it is to feel that you’re helping someone in need. We have been taught that “inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me”. Paying tithing had always been automatic to me, it was never a struggle or a burden, I loved thinking that I was helping those who really needed help. That through the church I was making a difference. I remember hearing conference reports that would mention the hundreds of millions of dollars the church had donated to humanitarian services. So I decided to look into it.

According to the 2009 Welfare Services Fact Sheet released by the church there was $327.6 million in cash donations and $884.6 million in value of material assistance given to humanitarian efforts from 1985-2009 (24 years). In the 2008 Welfare Services Fact Sheet the church donated $282.3 million in cash and $833.6 million in material assistance. When you do the math that means in one year the church donated $45.3 million in cash and $51 million in assistance. Seems pretty impressive, until you look at some of the other projects the church is funding. For example, the Salt Lake City City Creek Center is costing the church $1 million a day and is expected to cost from $4-8 billion. In just a year (assuming they were working 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year) the church would have paid $260 million toward a mall – more than twice that of the total humanitarian aid given (much of which is “material assistance” ie donated clothing from DI, hygiene kits, etc.). Being in the scouting program I knew how tight our ward budget was and I didn’t understand how a ward that brought in so much tithing money couldn’t afford to provide the basic necessities for our 40+ cub scouts. All that money was being sent to church headquarters to go to a mall? Then I learned of the new hotel in Hawaii the church funded (at over $30 million) to replace an older hotel owned by the church. Not because it was ever at capacity, but because they were embarrassed to have general authorities stay there. Christ slept where ever he could find a place to rest, are the General Authorities better than he?

I also learned: that members of the Seventy received a stipend from the church, that the church uses service missionaries (who are paying to serve a mission) to maintain a private hunting reserve for the privileged to pay $1200-$8500 per permit to go shoot God’s creatures for sport, that people were coerced into donating large sums toward “Prop 8”, that there are more homeless gay kids in Utah per capita than anywhere in the US because their LDS families couldn’t bear to have them around, and that the church is laying off masses of people during a recession who then don’t qualify for unemployment then replacing their positions with “callings”. The list just doesn’t end, once again Pandora’s box was opened and there was no ignoring it.

After learning about these things I felt abused. This was a shock and I didn’t want to accept that once again, I had been taught one thing only to have it so completely wrong in reality. Did I really want to know more? (no) Could I feel justified in going to church but not paying tithing? (maybe?) Was this solid enough information to cut my ties to the church forever? (in short yes). However, I am still learning things on a weekly basis that solidify that decision and give me comfort in finding the truth for myself.

Now I needed to tell my family.